Saturday, April 17, 2010
The quest stands upon the edge of a knife
I don't think it's any secret that I'm in a wee bit of shit trying to get the diss done so that I can defend and deposit and move on with Stage 312 of my life. For some reason, the comforting phrases, "Don't worry, you have a job! They won't fail you" -- phrases that I have said to others on more than one occasion -- aren't comforting me. Even, "They just want you gone and out of there," usually a killer one, isn't working either. I'm in full-blown meltdown, freak-out, wake-up-with-diarrhea, panic-naps-followed-by-crappy-sleepless-nights, forgotten-the-taste-of-bread, Gollum mode. Any pep talks and reasonableness bounces off of me like rubber bullets. My students appear to me as orcs, I am nasty to E and M, the sight of an unread book triggers hyperventilation. Your calming, rational talk won't help, don't even try. I'm too far gone. This is the hyper-panic mode D; she is only slightly more productive than the what-me-worry?, it's spring!, they won't fail me!, life-is-for-the-living! D, who is a total jackass and got us all into this mess. Fucker.
It's time to throw up a Hail Mary, to pull out all the stops, to give all the percents, to leave it all out there on the floor, etc etc etc. To that end, I have devised A Plan. Step 1: cut out all sugar, alcohol, TV, internet, junk food, fun phone calls, anything I remotely want to do. Step 2: Give everything I need to do and don't want to do a value in pennies. Step 3: pay self pennies for doing shit (no comment about how apt this salary comparison is). Step 4: Use pennies to buy things I want. I've paid 3p just to write this blogpost. 1 page of writing = 2p. A chocolate bar is 10p. Also part of this is to limit the amount of time I put into a) reading 2ndary work and b) preparing for class. Thus, I wear a stopwatch around my neck at all times.
Is this silly? Drastic? More trouble than it's worth? I don't know, it's too early to say. I do believe that my desire for sugar will make me finish my dissertation. And, hell, this system seems to be working for the autistic kid on Parenthood (without doubt the most annoying show on television, and that's saying something. I still watch it, that's the rock bottom that I've hit). The alarm around my neck just went off.
Isn't LotR like so 6 years ago?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
(So much for your quest for the perfect chocolate bar.)
ReplyDeleteGet'r dun!
No, I'm hoping the two quests will go together! But maybe that's folly.
ReplyDeleteI just forwarded this to Ernie. Perhaps this will help explain some things - esp. with regard to emotional rollercoaster.
ReplyDeleteGood post. Also I've been to Hershey Park. I remember it being more about rollercoasters and less like Willy Wonka's chocolate factory than I would have liked...
How about a little reverse psychology. You cant' do it.
ReplyDeleteStill, I think you can, though I also think I still can so perhaps my delusions aren't worth considering.
That said. Parenthood sucks. We gave up on it a couple of weeks ago. The movie was drama and comedy. This is just melodrama, and no comedy. Perhaps you need some deterents as well as rewards. For bad behaviour you could force yourself to watch episodes of Parenthood online. Hell, the thought of that makes me want to write.
This is great. I was wondering why pictures of you and Melissa were starting to look so much alike. Is it the power of the Dis corrupted? AHHHHH BLAHHH- That said I do not think Melissa remembers what bread with less than 32 grains in it tastes like. Again BLAHHH... Bring on the Wonderbread (aka marshmallow bread).
ReplyDeleteLove to all,
Take Care,
Best Wishes,
Ernie
S says he hopes you can taste bread again soon (can't tell if there's any irony there): apparently the bread thing hit home amongst the Y crowd. Personally I think you're crazy to deny yourself anything that might further your genius--and I feel like nothing takes the edge off like cannon-balling a few thousand calories. But then again I'm more of a carrot person than a whip. You can do it! They can't fail you, you have a job! They just want to get you out of there!
ReplyDelete