You can be replaced.

My favorite line in the entire run of Roseanne was when the series was winding down and Old Becky (Alicia Goranson) came back for the final few episodes (the Becky character was played by Sarah Chalke from 1993-1997).  The return of Old Becky was heralded with a meta-joke: Goranson enters the house-set and Roseanne screams, "Where the hell have you been?" - ostensibly referring to the fact that Becky was late for curfew - but with a wink to audience.  That wasn't my favorite line.  My favorite line was later in the episode when Old Becky says something sassy to Roseanne and Roseanne snaps back, "You can be replaced, you know!"

Truer words were never spoken.

Some of you may recall a few years back when I blogged about the sale of my grandmother's house and how weird it was to let go.

Well... we sold the place to a developer, he knocked everything down and put up something else:

Wine & Cheese
Beautiful Briar Hill Custom Home
$2,399,900

Please join us Friday, November 16 from 4-6 pm at 1320 21A STREET NW!Be the first to view this stunning new build by Stonebriar Crafted Homes! Over 5000 Sq Ft of fully developed, luxurious living space featuring 4 bedrooms up. Located on a quiet street close to all amenities - just steps to Briar Hill Elementary School.

The maple tree out front is still the same.  And maybe that walkway. 

Also: TWO MILLION PLUS FUCKING DOLLARS!!! We sold it for, like, a fifth of that.  Calgary, you sure are a crazy place to try to live in.

Dear Charmin

Dear Charmin,

For the past 35 dog years, I've watched your stupid, stupefying commercials.  I have suspended my disbelief regarding the usage of toilet paper among bear-kind.  While I have openly questioned how it could ever be possible that a pantless child-bear, feeling the need to wipe its own ass after shitting in the woods, could leave several bits of toilet paper all over said ass once, let alone enough times that he would require regular ass-inspection (and mild shaming) from Momma Bear, before this moment I have not turned to the internet to announce my misgivings.  Many others have -- if you type "Charmin commercials" into google, the suggested search that comes up is, "Charmin commercials disgusting."Go down that path if you wish.

The first commercial was jarring, the next few equally jarring.  Mostly because I couldn't believe that your company was sticking with this ad campaign and that some collection of MadMen were sitting around a boardroom table pitching a whole set of and-then-the-bear-has-bits-of-toilet-paper-all-over-his-ass! commercials.  What were the ones you chose not to make?  What crossed the line?

The commercials themselves are plenty disturbing but here's what's really getting to me: the complete lack of improvement shown by the child-bear in the past 5 years.  Seriously, bear, what *exactly* is wrong with you that you can't figure this out by now?  In the second-to-last instalment in the series, you were playing video games on top of a bunch of cushions you stole from the couch.  So you can figure that out but you can't wipe your own ass properly?  What the fuck, bear?

The latest commercial is even more horrific than the previous ones (and that's really saying something) because it has Momma Bear going through her bear-child's dirty laundry (strange because the bear-child is usually pantless) and finding a pair of tighty-whities with SKID MARKS in them.  That's right, his problem has evolved from toilet paper bits (perhaps indicative of too much wiping?) to nasty skid marks, clearly indicative of lack of wiping.  Momma Bear, I ask it again, what the hell is wrong with your child?

Maybe this is the kind of thing that all parents go through and my incredulity re: the child-bear's apparent bathroom disability only comes from my lack of experience with ass-inspecting children.  I don't know.  But this whole thing has gone on wayyyyyy too long, that's what I'm saying.

As for your actual product, Charmin, I have absolutely no thoughts about it whatsoever.  Sometimes I buy it when it's on sale, sometimes I buy other toilet paper.  It all seems to work.

Best wishes,
D

nonsequitur

Once, I had a student who was named something very, very similar to Larryjeff.  All one word.

Once I had a student come up to me after class, say how much she enjoyed class, and then say that she was also registered in one of my classes next term and was really excited about it.  I said, "Great!" or something like that.  The next day, she withdrew from both classes and I haven't seen her since.

Once, one of my students sent me a pic of a horse being born as proof of why she was missing class that day. The accompanying email didn't explain to me that the pic was of a horse being born - I got that info later when she was back in class.  The image continues to haunt me and if I ever cut an album, I'm going to see if that pic can be the album cover.  I'd post it here but I don't want it on my blog.  It's kind of like this one only more of a close-up. Album cover, yes; blog, no.

Once, one of my students sent me emails regularly that began with the greeting, "Hey there, ..."  It always made me think of the Ryan Gosling Hey Girl meme.

Once, I had only 3 weeks of classes left in the semester. It was both amazing and horrific at the same time.