Not Downton Abbey

Some of you have asked me for updates on Cousin Jeff - is he still in jail? Is he using?  How's the rest of the family dealing with his incarceration? Things of that nature.  Well, hopefully this post can, if not confront the question directly, at least add some more context to the ripple effect that is Cousin Jeff.  Or is Cousin Jeff just a ripple effect of something else?

Let us begin with a chart or, how I like to think of it, the "cast of characters":

Sorry for the blurriness - I don't know how to work Organizational Chart very well. Click on the chart for a better view.

Where to begin the tale?  Well, as far as I know, Cousin Jeff is still in jail but his possibility for parole is high and everyone is terrified for the moment when he is allowed back on the streets.  There is conflicting info re: if he is taking this prison opportunity to get clean or if he is still using.

Anyhow, word in the family is that Mic and Joan (sisters) are feuding. I don't mean any low-level disagreement, this is some serious shit.  Both of them are well into their 80s now so they have nothing else going on that can distract them from this feud and they both live in the same small town so they can pull everyone else down with them.

Let's put some faces to the names.

Joan:

 And Mic:

So many great-grandkids, so little time.

Okay, so many months ago my mother went to Cousin Bonnie's wedding (don't even get me started on that because everyone thought that Bonnie, who must be pushing 50, was NEVER going to get married and everyone agrees that the dude she's married is a gold digger) and it was clear that Joan and Mic were NOT getting along.  Joan would enter the reception hall and Mic would be compelled to go for a walk.  Mic would come back and Joan would get tired and need to go back to her hotel.  Everyone thought for a bit that it was because Joan was pissed at Jock (their brother) because Jock refused to remove his trucker hat for the reception (or was it the wedding ceremony?).  I include a pic of Jock for completeness:

It follows that Joan would be angry at Jock for wearing the hat but angrier at Mic for not making Jock take the hat off.

It was like a jr high dance all over again, especially because neither Joan nor Mic can drive and basically need assistance to do anything so if they want to go somewhere, it takes several people to make it happen.

But, while Joan was indeed annoyed at Jock for the hat, it was a much deeper feud than that.  Apparently, Joan and husband Johnny had been playing Bridge with Mic and someone else at the Three Hills Seniors Bridge Tournament when Johnny made a play or a bid or something (here the details get fuzzy because neither my mother nor I know fuck-all about Bridge so it's hard to properly appreciate the levity of the transgression) and Mic stated that it was a play that was somehow in the wrong and then *stood up* and loudly complained that Johnny had made an illegal move.  Johnny denies that his play was illegal because something-or-other was "trumps" but Mic is adamant that a different thing was "trumps."  And be that as it may, did she have to stand up and accuse him of bloody murder with all Seniors in attendance?  But also, from Mic's point of view, she has a Duty to point out Unrighteousness whereever she sees it, especially when the intergrity of the Three Hills Seniors Bridge Tournament is implicated.

Johnny has pledged never to talk to Mic until she apologizes for falsely accusing him in such a public way.  Mic, for her part, refuses to apologize because she was not the cheater and once Johnny confesses that he was in the wrong then perhaps they can begin to move forward.  Such is the Three Hills Cold War, which began, like, 9 months ago. 

Joan and Johnny upped the stakes considerably by putting their very souls in jeopardy when they began refusing to take Communion because Mic, a Deacon, assists the Minister in preparing Communion.  And given that they're all older than dirt, this is a ballsy time to go thumbing your nose to the establishment.  So it's a bit of a scandal.

THEN THIS HAPPENED.  I will now turn to the primary text (ie/ hearsay from Cousin Alison, Mic's daughter, gained via email) for the raw narrative:

"Apparently Joan had been suggesting to mom [ie/ Mic] that she write a letter to Johnny to apologize but not to specifically mention the bridge game.  Mom said she would think about it so on Sunday Joan asked mom again if she had written the letter and mom said no but she was thinking about it.  So they were in the room off the front of the church called the vestry and there were two other people in the room but they had their backs turned and were talking separately.  Joan had left the room and then came back a few minutes later and mom doesn’t remember really what if anything was said before Joan made a fist and struck mom in the jaw.  Mom said the imprint of Joan’s ring was marked on her face for most of this week.  She is going to get Tim to take a picture of it today. 

 

Mom did go to the Drumheller police (didn’t want the Three Hills police to get involved !!) and made a report.  The woman officer said that mom could charge Joan with assault causing injury which is a serious charge.  Mom isn’t sure if she wants to go that far yet but she has agreed to have the police go and talk to Joan and make her aware of the seriousness of her actions.  If mom goes ahead with the charge, Joan could plead guilty and pay a fine or plead not guilty and go to court.  Mom is going to call the police this morning and tell them to go ahead with speaking to Joan about this and then see where they go from there.

I will keep you in touch and let me know if you hear anything from your side.  I am actually really impressed with Jock as he had stepped up and is protecting mom.  He was going to go to the police himself if mom didn’t and he has called her almost every night to check on her.

 

Talk to you later,

 

Ali"

 

So there you have it.  What did Mic say?!??! My mother has been endeavoring to get to the bottom of this and feels there is some HEAVY subtext.  And here's where the story all comes together: it seems that because Mic was and perhaps still is giving all her money to Cousin Jeff, foolishly believing all of his lies instead of understanding that she's just enabling his drug addiction, she is BROKE and has been leaning on Joan and Johnny to float her some friendly cash here and there.  How much cash?  That's the question.  But finally Joan had enough with being nice and decided it was time not to be nice.

To whom will Joan take a shotgun when Cousin Jeff gets out of jail?  OR will Joan find herself in jail and develop a drug habit of her own?  Will Jock ever take his hat off? Will Alison and the woman officer from Drumheller runnoft together?  When will Shirley MacLaine show up?  Stay tuned, friends, stay tuned.

A Patient People

It isn't spring unless someone in the D-ef imagined community is moving to a new apartment! Yes, just as we packed up all of E's stuff and moved it to Towson last year, this year we're packing it all up again.  But this move, friends, is the second best one of all: we're putting a bunch of her stuff into storage so she can move to the 'Twa for AY 2012-13! I can't even put into words how amazing this is and how much Montoya and I are thankful for it.  Because her college is the height of civilization, they offer sabbaticals before a person goes up for tenure - thus ensuring that a tenure file can be built up! GENIUS.  Bubble-wrapping that strange, giant, upright glass vase that her father brought us from Mexico for the third or fourth or umpteenth time is a small, small price to pay for one full year of non-commuting!!!  I am *so* excited about it!!!  I actually cannot put into words how much this means to me.

I know, I've been a terrible blogger lately.  I'm sorry.  The End of Semester was like a pile-driver.  I hit the wall/mat at midnight, the last Tuesday of classes, and haven't been the same since.  I flirted with putting, "Keep calm and carry on.  Best wishes, D," as my work email autoreply the second the semester ended but didn't.  It would have been plagiarism.  But I prefer to think of it as an homage.

Things I've done since my last update:

Went to E's college's grad ceremony! Very fun.  Why?

To begin the ceremony, full regalia-ed professors line the main thoroughfare to cheer on the graduates as they make their way into the giant graduation tent - kind of like the beginning of a basketball game!  10 points awarded for spotting E in her UofI finery:

The speaker was Baltimore-native Ira Glass!

He's the blurry one at center.  His speech was pretty good as far as these things go.  His advice was a good-humored and well-delivered version of this:
1) You've been in school your whole lives - in a place where you are constantly given praise and feedback, told you are doing well, given a syllabus, given a path, given grades, given answers, told you are special.  This is not the real world.  Welcome, now, to the real world! No one has the answers, no one will be able to tell you if you're doing a good job, if you're doing the job you're supposed to be doing, and what you should do next.  You have to generate that all on your own and it's hard work, it's a full time job.  Enjoy.
2) Your parents don't think of you as adults.  They have not caught up to you, yet.  They will continue to give you advice as if you are a child, as if they don't quite understand and appreciate what you are capable of or the choices you are making for your life.  Be patient.  It will take them about a decade or more to catch up to you being an adult and until they do, don't be a dick (that was a quote).

This second point is one that hit home with blunt force.  You see, friends, from May 1st to May 13th, I went on a road trip with my mother from Ottawa to Binghamton NY (mfree time always delivers!), Ithaca NY (gorges), New Columbia PA (caves), Lancaster PA (outlet malls), Intercourse PA (Amish), Paradise PA (more Amish), Strasburg PA (oh those charming Amish, also a train museum!), Towson MD (had to see E and Montoya), and four days in Washington DC.  It was a marathon and came at a time in the year when I was least equipped to deal with it (ie/ end of semester, hadn't seen E for about a month, was eh-stressed).

The pamphlet for the above Dreibelbis Bridge says:
Picture yourself in a driving snowstorm, your ice-cold hands gripping the reins of a one-horse sleigh.  Imagine turning your rig onto the Bridge, the runners grinding onto the dry wood, ripping the reins from your fingers as the sleigh suddenly lurches forward.  So goes the story of a Virginville-area man who collided with an unfortunate fate on this very bridge late in the 19th century.  As he tumbled from the sleigh, the loose reins found his neck and snapped tight -- snapping his head clean from his shoulders.  Later, the sleigh, the horse, and the man's body were found, but his head was never recovered.  Some believe you can still see his spirit wandering the bridge seeking his lost head...


We saw nothing but a covered bridge.  But it was pretty.

 Turns out that I love railroad museums! Anytime, anywhere, people.  I *heart* them.

 Hex barn! We did a driving tour and saw about 20+ of these bad boys.

I told a few colleagues about the trip before it began.  Most of them are about a decade or so older than me and their parents have either passed away or are in their late 70s and 80s and so much more firmly in the "twilight years."  So they almost uniformly expressed enthusiasm for the trip and waxed poetic about what a glorious opportunity this was to bond with my mother.  One colleague told me about a trip she took through central Europe with her mother about a decade ago and how special it was to her and how she knew her mother, "really enjoyed catching a glimpse of the world through her historian daughter's eyes."  And I tried to remember all of these things, I really did, and I tried to remember all of my friends whose mothers have passed away already and who would dearly love this opportunity and I tried to be appreciative and grateful and in the moment and all of that.  I really did.

But what. the. hell.  It goes without saying, perhaps, but my mother doesn't care about "catching a glimpse of the world through her historian daughter's eyes" and I'm pretty sure that bonding and having heart-to-hearts about anything wasn't on her agenda.  Indeed, her agenda was this: 1) go to outlet mall to buy golfing outfits, 2) buy Amish quilt for bedroom downstairs, 3) get your father that hat he wants, 4) take picture of Amish person (regardless of their feelings about it), 5) take a picture of the White House, 6) update Facebook as much as possible with pictures of Mother-Daughter Fun so FB friends can eat their hearts out because their children would never take them on this kind of trip, especially Gwen's.  We literally spent 2 full days trying to take a picture of the White House from a tour bus and I still for the life of me don't know WHY.  It's going to take me a lot more time to process exactly what went on during the trip (am I blocking stuff out?) but basically I drove my mother around rural Pennsylvania, took pictures of the things she pointed at, and uploaded them to FB.

Maybe I was the one who was supposed to be more interrogative and try "catching a glimpse of the world through my mother's eyes" but there were no questions needed because she's a talker and she kept saying things like, "The Amish are such a patient people" or , "They must be such a disciplined people," or, "Why isn't it okay to take pictures of them, again?"  I won't go into her new thoughts on Islam, how men think versus how women think, or who really is the good singer on Idol.

I know - learning to appreciate your parents for who they are and not resenting them for how they don't measure up to how you wish they were is what it's all about.  I'm trying but I'm not there yet.  I really, really tried NOT to be a dick on the trip and I think I succeeded 75% of the time but I seriously don't know how to engage with the things she says without professoring out - the biggest faux pas evah in my family.  We got that picture of the White House, btw.

My favorite souvenir of the trip is this:  

It's an Amish quilted iPod case!!!  Awesome, right?

I see leaves!!!!

My semester refuses to go off into that good night no matter how much I scream at it and call it a cunt-whore-promiscuous dick-demon. Problems that I ignored in February have now festered into gangrene and my students keep coming to me with questions "about the future" as if I have any answers for them. Because, "find something and work hard at it," seems not to be the answer they seek, I'm going to switch to, "Winter is coming." Also, dear Colleagues and Graduate Students: if the diss/thesis begins with a philistine rant about postcolonial studies, Foucault, and/or whining about how empire is about white people too, I'm not going to like it. Stop putting me on your committee. If this means I'll never have to read anything in Canadian history ever again, then that's a hit I'll have to take. At some point I *will* start withholding the signature - will it be Friday? Will it be a different time? Hard to say but sooner or later I will have enough courage and/or be ready to jeopardize my standing in the department to call you out on your bullshit. Also, I wish there were more swear words in "Who Needs the Nation?".

Other than that, things are good! There are leaves on the trees (almost)! I'm not busy writing a lecture for tomorrow! This time next month I'll be in Balto with E and Montoya! Am trying to focus on that.

Progress Report for Caroline

For the past year and a half I've received weekly reports from teachers at the Kingman Academy of Learning (Arizona - http://www.kaolaz.org/) on Caroline Kinsey's academic progress in the subjects of Spanish and Health. The reports are sent to my gmail account. Each one begins, "Dear Parents:" and goes on to detail the week's curriculum in a sentence or two. Then comes a chart of assignments and grades that Caroline has received in the class so far.

Health teacher Eugene Kramer's reports are my favorite:

3/22/12
Dear Parents:
Next week we will begin discussing STD's and the dangers they each carry . We will again be having the Mohave Health Department come in for a set of talks on self-esteem and sex education. HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND.

3/9/12
Dear Parents:
This is your child's 9 week grade. When we return from spring break, we will begin discussing tabacoo use and it's dangers. We will soon be having the Mohave Health Department come in for a set of talks on self-esteem and sex education, please return the permission slips for these speakers. HAVE A GREAT SPRING BREAK.

3/1/12
Dear Parents:
We had a some great guest speakers on alcohol today, I felt the students were very enlightened. Next week we will have our Chapter 13 exam on Thursday as our mid-term exam.

2/23/12
Dear Parents:
We had a great guest speaker on drugs today, I felt the students were very enlightened. Next week we will have our Chapter 12 exam on Tues and then we will start our chapter on alcohol. Officer Brock will speak to the students on Thursday about what he sees with alcohol related situations and he will do a demonstration of a DUI arrest.

2/16/12
Dear Parents:
Next week we will continue our drug unit with a guest speaker on drugs on Wed or Thus. We will also be watching Montana Meth Project commercials next week that will really open some eyes on Meth.

2/9/12
Dear Parents:
The Health class will be finishing mental disorders next week along with nutrition. We are planning on doing a field trip on Wed, Feb 15th to Cracker Barrell to teach student about calorie counting. We will go a day earlier than expected because I have a guest speaker from the prison that can only come on Thursday, the 17th.

2/2/12
Dear Parents:
Sorry for the 1st email with the P.E. lesson plan.

2/2/12
Dear Parents:
We will begin Volleyball next week and it will run for two weeks. We are planning to do a bowling unit on Feb 21st, 22nd, and 23rd. The cost will be $5 per day and a total of $15. If you would like to sponsor a student who can't afford the bowling fee, please let me know and I will get you parent volunteer hours.

Of course, I tried to do the right thing when the first report landed in my inbox. I sent Ms. Kepner a courteous reply stating that while I was thrilled with Caroline's A+ performance in Spanish, I am not her parent and the progress report had been sent to me in error. I replied in a similar manner to the second and third progress reports I received in subsequent weeks. My responses went unanswered and the progress reports kept coming so I gave up trying to do anything about it.

Is Caroline a junior high genius who has given the helicopter-parenting system the slip by putting down a fake (to her) email address? Or is it an honest mix-up? Is she so good at Spanish because she speaks Spanish at home and is leading a wonderfully non-Kinsey, non-monolingual-Anglo life or is she just good at learning languages? Does she sometimes blow off entire weeks of health class because she instinctively knows that the secret to life is figuring out what you have to show up for (math class) and what you really don't (health class)?

Also, why are mental health and nutrition lumped into the same week? Is it some kind of anorexics-be-crazy unit? Did the field trip to Cracker Barrell really help with the calorie-counting? Is it shitty that parents can buy their way out of volunteer time?

I'm interested to see how the sex ed unit goes.

It's oddly settling to see how the sucktasticness of jr high is consistent across all space and time. It's like watching an episode of Mad Men: you come away thinking, "Sweet Jesus, I'm glad that time is over." Hang in there, Caroline!

Awesomeness Ahead!

Friends, as warm winds blow maniacally over the 'Twa hinterland, I can only announce that I am feeling très magnifique. C'est vrai, a real Francophone would probably never say that. But I am not a real Francophone! It is a great day. E will be here in 29 hrs, I'm done teaching for the week, and for some reason I have not begun stressing about next week! Probably because it will be awesome because E will be here the WHOLE TIME because it is her Spring Break. *I am SO excited!*

The week of Feb 26 ignited a hell storm of hell but I lived through it and have come out the other side. The feelings of euphoria won't go away. I gave a paper to some Jane Austen fans that did not disgrace me and then I gave a paper to my dept that did not disgrace me. I have dodged bullets! My tarot keeps warning me that more bullets await but I just can't believe it.

I have to clean the house like a madwoman today AND give Monty the spa treatment: mani/pedi, deep cleansing and conditioning, ear-and-long-sick-weenus-hair removal, teeth-brushing, coat-brushing, heart worm pill, and perhaps a snack (his favourite treat flavour = Oral Care). He's going to effing hate me. But he's a dog - he'll forget, somewhere around dinner time, I imagine.

Things that won't go away: my Grade 5 teacher. No, I didn't have the coming out talk with her and perhaps I should but I really enjoy ignoring these things and hoping that they will go away. Also, there doesn't seem to be a good moment and I'm a bad emailer anyway.

February 25Carol
Hi D, I don't want to repeat myself, so I'm going to ask you if I ever told you the story of when I was teaching you, and at the end of the school day, when I would have been tired, something funny came out of my mouth, and I still remember Jason sucking in his cheeks and trying so hard not to laugh!!! I don't want to post it. Tell me if you don't know the story and I'll tell you.

February 29DK
I don't remember this. What was it? Sorry for not responding earlier - it's been crazy here. I have to give a talk tomorrow and I just gave one last Sunday so I've just been scrambling trying to pull these talks together and teach at the same time . . .

February 29Carol
It was so funny, and just shows what good kids you were. The bell had rung and I had assigned a project of some kind. I can't remember that detail, but as you guys were in the cloakroom, I was standing in the doorway reminding you of the deadline. For some reason I was trying to say, " I don't want it in bits and pieces". My only excuse was that I was tired when instead I said, " I don't want it in bits and pisses." I quickly corrected myself, but not before seeing the grin on Jason's face! But he didn't say a word. I wonder if he remembers that. Probably not, but I have told it so many times, I've never forgotten. So have you said anything so embarrassing to your students yet?!!

March 3DK
Ha! I don't remember that but thanks for passing it along. I'm sure I've said incredibly embarrassing things to my students but I can't think of an isolated incident. Perhaps they all just blend together.

March 3Carol
Some blend more easily than others. This one was a doozy, but has become a very fond memory. It's scary to think of the slips we don't notice. I don't mind if you want t share it with Jason. oh, I just remember another one! A few years after I taught you, I was teaching Gr. 3 at an inner city school. I was doing math, using an overhead projector. I had a marker in my hand, but tried to indicate the number one, so you can imagine which finger I used!! There was a gasp from some of the boys, but one of them saved me by saying, "It's all right, Miss. It doesn't mean anything unless you mean it, right?"

I'm not sure if she's aware that we teach different students for different reasons and I'm seriously not worried about inadvertently giving my students the finger (advertently, yes) or slipping the word "pisses" into my lecture. I might worry about slipping in a mofo. I have not responded yet because I have no response.

AHA! Monty is sleeping loudly in his dogbed. He has no idea that my awesome day and his shiteous day are going to be one and the same. It is an excellent time to grab him!

No, really, what have you been doing?

Okay, I'll post a proper update! It was silly of me to neglect it.

1. Skating is actually pretty fun! I never would have guessed it. I'll go ahead and say that Prof H and I are definitely tied with fellow adult beginner Vanessa for Best in Show Class because we effing rock the backwards crossover. Oh, you read that correctly, bitches: backwards crossovers. I've done TWO so far and Prof H likely dozens. Drills that aren't a good idea in ABC (Adult Beginner Class) include Skate Soccer (blood bath, I went down hard) and anything else having to do with a ball. Yep - we skated on the Canal! MH many times, in earnest, E and I once. Now that the weather has turned Slightly Above Freezing the Canal is closed. Slightly Above Freezing is the worst, it ruins anything good there is about winter: it is too warm to maintain decent snow and ice for snow-and-ice activities but too cold to do anything else. Things melt during the day and freeze at night turning the sidewalks into injury traps and it takes several minutes to decide which coat to wear. SAF temps are the shits.

Here are Night Canal pics. I "blemish removed" MH's eyes to maintain internet anonymity and the bottom pic is E purchasing delicious deep-fried, sugary goodness en français at the skate-up Beaver Tails stand (after I screamed like a toddler so she would buy me stuff). Yes, Beaver Tails, you read that correctly.

Best part of Canal skating.

For other Embracing the Winter! magic, I offer you this excellent video:

2. Purchases that have changed my life for the better!

Exhibit A: The Mandolin Kitchen Slicer. It is wonderful! To head off your first question: No! I haven't cut off any fingers yet or sustained any other injuries due to the guillotine-like quality of the mandolin slicer. The avocado-pitting incident of '04 (was it really that long ago! YIKES), was enough to make me super paranoid about kitchen cutting of any kind so I am very careful. What the mandolin has really given me is the ability to make the same fruits and vegetables I receive every week (3 apples, 3 *hard* pears, 1 shitpile of carrots, 2 disturbingly large parsnips, 1 bag of potatoes, 1 cucumber, and 2 tomatoes) seem new and exciting. Case in point: the fun mandolin salad pictured below! Which is just an apple and a pear but looks more fun than that.


Exhibit B: my sweet-ass Zojirushi bread maker that produces delicious 1 lb loaves. I *LOVE* it. The loaves are sufficiently small so that I don't feel pressure to eat bread morning and night before it goes bad and I can add grated carrots to the recipe to get rid of my carrot stockpile. I love it. Number of loaves made since purchasing bread maker: dozens! Too many to count! I love it.

Yes, the $284 worth of liquor I purchased in December 2011 combined with my bread maker and vegetable delivery means that the only thing I need to leave my house for, now, is toilet paper. I am one step closer to realizing my Shut In Dream!

3. Products that have not changed my life

Exhibit A: Snowshoes. They look awesome right? Snowshoeing is kind of exactly like walking. Only you're walking on top of deep snow. The thrill of walking on top of deep snow like Legolas goes away after about 5 minutes and then you're just left with a feeling of walking. Also, Monty can't follow so well and he's usually the reason that I'm out walking in the first place so while I don't rule out the awesome of the snowshoe in my life, it hasn't happened yet. Maybe when the Winter season as a yearly phenomenon is a thing of the past, we will all look back on these snowshoes with awe and reverence. But so far they've just been taking up space in my front hallway. I admit to purchasing them because E was purchasing the ice skates that I wanted but they didn't have in my size and in a fit of skate-envy I decided I really needed cool-looking snowshoes.

Exhibit B: The Apple Wireless Mouse. Eff you, you effing piece of Ess, Wireless Mouse! It keeps becoming "Disconnected" for no good reason and requires a battery change all too often. So I have my wired mouse on hand for whenever the iMaus of the Future craps out and I don't feel like spending several minutes fussing over getting it connected again. I'm so glad I didn't go the way of the wireless keyboard. Also - wtf do we need wireless keyboards and mouses/mice for? This goes along with my puzzlement over the remote control toilet flusher I saw a lot of in Japan. Because I am relatively close to my computer and toilet when I am using them, I do not require wireless options for their functions. Others may do things differently.

I now have to prepare my talk for JASNA. Yep, http://www.jasna.org/. Because that's my life now.

RWoD

Dear all,

Many apologies for falling down on my blogging duties. I know you're all dying to hear how the experiment with Embracing the Winter is going and what mischief Montoya has gotten up to and how much he and I miss E and what vegetables the vegetable delivery people have delivered. The suspense has been killing you!

But, also, if you're a Mac user you're still trying to recover from the feeling of discomfort-impatience-fear-annoyance-submission that has afflicted you like gas pain since catching a glimpse of the above Rainbow Wheel of Death (Apple's spinning wait cursor) shown above. I wish I had the computer skills to make it spin for full e/affect. I know! "E/affect" produces the same horrible feeling as the Rainbow Wheel of Death! I did it on purpose to illustrate my point: if you're wondering what it's like to live in the 'Twa, especially November through February, it is that feeling, the RWoD-e/affect feeling. Almost like nausea or indigestion but not really so well-defined and curable. You hope that everything will be back on track once the waiting time is over but also you're a little afraid that the whole system will crash but you're pretty sure it's not going to but it might and maybe you should reboot but also maybe just wait longer and for a few seconds you actually leave your body and look down on yourself and realize that your problems are stupid first world problems but also you know you'll spend the rest of the day trying to fix them and the fucking spinning rainbow hypnotizes and annoys all at the same time. That's the 'Twa, dear friends, that's the 'Twa.

Things that have helped me in 2012: money. I have money! For the first time ever I have the financial ability to purchase the things that I want now and not have to mortgage my future material happiness to make it happen. My job alone did not provide this, it was the sale of my grandmother's house that did it and so my relative financial security now is more about being someone's heir than anything else. News item: money solves a lot of problems. Once it was snowing and I didn't want to drive to the airport so I took a taxi. Another time, I wished I had a printer for my home computer so I could print out my lectures before going to school and then I bought one. E and I decided that we would try to see each other every 2-3 weeks throughout the semester and then we purchased 3 rounds of plane tickets to make it happen. Money absolutely makes a difference and is why this year in the 'Twa is better than last year. It doesn't solve all problems or even make being apart from E okay but it helps with a lot of things. I don't know if my job will get better but my financial security will and that will make it all get better. It's not polite to talk about money but maybe that's just because we're supposed to pretend like it doesn't make a difference or that rich people's problems are somehow just as weighty as poor people's but that's complete, complete nonsense. People will talk all kinds of bullshit about their religion, about their politics, about their sexual activities, about all kinds of things that are supposed to be taboo but I'm telling you the only real taboo is people owning up to their financial privilege and what we're all supposed to do about it. I'm not in the 1% but I'm not foolish enough to believe that the 99% are a monolithic category either and there must be something else out there than just wishing that a Green Party/NDP candidate would get elected in Canada or Obama get re-elected in the US or for Angie Harmon to one day wake up and realize that she is, in fact, on the second gayest show in American television (Glee being first, of course).

I have a sum of money that I don't want to lose and I have to figure out what to do with it. I don't want to buy a house because Holmes on Homes has completely scared the shit out of me re: buying a money pit, I don't have time to really find and attend to a property, and maybe I won't be living in Ottawa forever? So the answer is invest but invest in what? My thought: ethical investing is the answer! Oh, simple naive idiotic me.

There are dozens of "ethical" mutual funds and SRIs (Socially Responsible Investments) out there. The first problem I realize is that my definition of SRI is vastly different from others'. My definition of socially responsible is NOT, for example, supporting companies that openly oppose unionization, gay marriage, access to contraception, pro-choice, freedom of religion, evolution, and rational thought. Others appear to take the opposite view. The basic criteria of SRI is that it avoids companies that are engaged in alcohol, tobacco, gambling, or weapons trades. I would have thought that especially the weapons trade criterion would be a given but when one of the largest national economies in the world is at war and "defense" contracts are a-plenty, most non-SRI funds tolerate a few weapons companies here and there. Also, I've noticed that the tolerance of these trades rises when it's a government involved in the trade (I'm looking at you LCBO).

The second problem is that the bar for ethical behaviour is really, really low so it's not that hard for certain companies to qualify. Most of the ethical mutual funds in Canada, for example, include shares in Suncor, a company involved in developing the tar sands in Alberta. Not what I had in mind when I sought out ethical investing but, when the ethical rock tar-sandy bottom has been established by the likes of Exxon and ChevronTexaco, Suncor's token wind farms seem like all goodness and light. And, really, if you're going to invest in Canadian anything, chances are you'll be investing in some kind of raw material/natural resource production somehow so whether it's oil in Alberta, gold in BC or Nunavut, potash in Saskatchewan, or hydroelectricity in Quebec, it's still going to be slightly better than what these companies would do in Africa or Asia (so the story goes).

If energy/resource production isn't palatable, the other options are 1) banks or 2) governments. Banks and governments only enable nasty companies, they don't do the dirty work themselves, and so pass the ethics test. For more information, see the Jain population in Gujarat.

I mean, it's not like I thought I would start looking for ethical investments and find a ton of companies devoted to producing bioethical, sustainable underwear run by two vegan lesbians and their 6 rescue cats from their earthship in New Mexico. Really if I was going to be investing a bunch of money in such an enterprise, *I* would want to be the one in the earthship (no cats though). I just didn't expect the pickings to be SO slim.

Oh, I forgot. A final sector that passes most regulated ethical criteria appears to be tech, which means Research in Motion, Google, and ... wait for it!... Apple. Apple, you say?! How is this possible? I don't know. And it comes full circle.