Progress Report for Caroline

For the past year and a half I've received weekly reports from teachers at the Kingman Academy of Learning (Arizona - http://www.kaolaz.org/) on Caroline Kinsey's academic progress in the subjects of Spanish and Health. The reports are sent to my gmail account. Each one begins, "Dear Parents:" and goes on to detail the week's curriculum in a sentence or two. Then comes a chart of assignments and grades that Caroline has received in the class so far.

Health teacher Eugene Kramer's reports are my favorite:

3/22/12
Dear Parents:
Next week we will begin discussing STD's and the dangers they each carry . We will again be having the Mohave Health Department come in for a set of talks on self-esteem and sex education. HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND.

3/9/12
Dear Parents:
This is your child's 9 week grade. When we return from spring break, we will begin discussing tabacoo use and it's dangers. We will soon be having the Mohave Health Department come in for a set of talks on self-esteem and sex education, please return the permission slips for these speakers. HAVE A GREAT SPRING BREAK.

3/1/12
Dear Parents:
We had a some great guest speakers on alcohol today, I felt the students were very enlightened. Next week we will have our Chapter 13 exam on Thursday as our mid-term exam.

2/23/12
Dear Parents:
We had a great guest speaker on drugs today, I felt the students were very enlightened. Next week we will have our Chapter 12 exam on Tues and then we will start our chapter on alcohol. Officer Brock will speak to the students on Thursday about what he sees with alcohol related situations and he will do a demonstration of a DUI arrest.

2/16/12
Dear Parents:
Next week we will continue our drug unit with a guest speaker on drugs on Wed or Thus. We will also be watching Montana Meth Project commercials next week that will really open some eyes on Meth.

2/9/12
Dear Parents:
The Health class will be finishing mental disorders next week along with nutrition. We are planning on doing a field trip on Wed, Feb 15th to Cracker Barrell to teach student about calorie counting. We will go a day earlier than expected because I have a guest speaker from the prison that can only come on Thursday, the 17th.

2/2/12
Dear Parents:
Sorry for the 1st email with the P.E. lesson plan.

2/2/12
Dear Parents:
We will begin Volleyball next week and it will run for two weeks. We are planning to do a bowling unit on Feb 21st, 22nd, and 23rd. The cost will be $5 per day and a total of $15. If you would like to sponsor a student who can't afford the bowling fee, please let me know and I will get you parent volunteer hours.

Of course, I tried to do the right thing when the first report landed in my inbox. I sent Ms. Kepner a courteous reply stating that while I was thrilled with Caroline's A+ performance in Spanish, I am not her parent and the progress report had been sent to me in error. I replied in a similar manner to the second and third progress reports I received in subsequent weeks. My responses went unanswered and the progress reports kept coming so I gave up trying to do anything about it.

Is Caroline a junior high genius who has given the helicopter-parenting system the slip by putting down a fake (to her) email address? Or is it an honest mix-up? Is she so good at Spanish because she speaks Spanish at home and is leading a wonderfully non-Kinsey, non-monolingual-Anglo life or is she just good at learning languages? Does she sometimes blow off entire weeks of health class because she instinctively knows that the secret to life is figuring out what you have to show up for (math class) and what you really don't (health class)?

Also, why are mental health and nutrition lumped into the same week? Is it some kind of anorexics-be-crazy unit? Did the field trip to Cracker Barrell really help with the calorie-counting? Is it shitty that parents can buy their way out of volunteer time?

I'm interested to see how the sex ed unit goes.

It's oddly settling to see how the sucktasticness of jr high is consistent across all space and time. It's like watching an episode of Mad Men: you come away thinking, "Sweet Jesus, I'm glad that time is over." Hang in there, Caroline!