Gamer Me

So some awesome things have been happening lately and must be mentioned if a blog is to be updated.

1) The geese are back!!! I don't think they're very happy about it because it's still just below zero here (I think they might be questioning their goose leadership) but just the honking and piles of gooseshit make me feel warm inside.

2) The snow is melting! The giant mound of post-shovelled ice-snow in my front yard is shrinking a little bit every day. It was quite an impressive pile and attracted dogs from both near and far. Indeed, the competition for supremacy of the snowpile has been fierce and the mound looks like a giant applejuice snowcone now. It is a focal point of the neighbourhood.

3) This recipe is awesome: http://agoodappetite.blogspot.com/2008/10/matts-caramel-apple-crisp.html

4) In TWO Tuesdays, I am done my classes!!!! It's so close I can almost taste it. I can barely concentrate...concentrate...concentrate.

5) I've determined to build video games into my syllabi for next year. Pursuant to that determination, I have purchased the following games:


Here's the issue: my computer at home is from 1999 so it isn't powerful enough to play most of these games. My computer at work is awesome-sauce BUT I can't install any programs myself. I have to call down to tech support to have them come to my office and type in an administrator's password.

This is embarrassing.

I've already done it once, for EIC. But I didn't have the other two yet so I couldn't ask Computerman Scott to just install them all at once.

I mean, 65% of my desire to play the games are for future educational purposes and that's a passing grade. It's just research. I'm just being a cool prof.

Has anyone played any of these? All feedback would be greatly appreciated.

So far EIC is disappointing. Not just for the history angle (I mean, really, setting up a diamond trading post in Cape Town in 1604 is just egregiously anachronistic) but it's actually a boring game: buying shit and taking a year to sail somewhere to sell that shit and buy other shit only to sail home again? And every three months they send me a financial report? That's too much like real life. If the music wasn't so swashbuckling, it would make me want to write a lecture.

I'm hoping Europa Universalis delivers a little more drama. Victoria (the gamers call it Vicky) hasn't arrived yet but I'm expecting it to engender a lot of moments of brilliant historical pedagogy.

All of these games have about a zillion sequels and expansion packs so my office hours are going to rock. Yes, I have other work to be doing. Thx.

6) I've decided to buy self a present to celebrate the end of semester. I can't decide what present to buy:

A) bread maker
B) toaster oven
C) microwave

Thoughts?

I know, my problems are boring but what else am I going to report? That I only have ONE TEAM left that has a shot of making it to the Final Four? Go Kansas!

7) I watched this movie:

and totally, totally loved it! Say what you will about the story, but that's what film-making is supposed to be like. Amidst super hero tales and animated talking-animal flicks, I'd forgotten that. It's completely mesmerizing. There's also food porn in it.

I love food porn. Sometimes when I'm feeling down, I just watch the opening of Eat Drink Man Woman:


Okay, yeah, the animal-guts stuff is disturbing but I still love the realism and the whole thing just makes me feel good.

I've slowly realized that Eat Drink Man Woman and Io sono l'amore are the same movie. Hmm.

I made my mom watch Babette's Feast with me (another of the genre) when she was here in the fall and that was a disaster. If you don't get it, I can't explain it to you. She still refers to it as the "hours of torture."

In other news, I have to have my students over to my house for a potluck in April. It is customary for profs to take their seminars out somewhere or invite them to a meal at the end of semester. How does one student-proof a house? I hope Monty doesn't bite anyone.

:|

The earthquake in Japan and the daily wait to hear horrible news about some nuclear disaster is terrifying. I don't know what this says about me but the first thing I thought when I heard the news (waking up to CBC Radio 2) was that all the terrible things that we always predict will happen someday in some unknown future will actually happen. It was a running joke with my friends (many from Asia) to talk about how Japan will just disappear in an earthquake or be submerged when the ice caps melt some day. But all those smoking volcanoes and cities built on fault lines and all that stuff is not just some Hollywood bullshit, it's really going to happen maybe any day now. :| I know this isn't news to anyone but for some reason I'm just really sad about it. The nuclear power plant stuff is horrific - I remember going to the beach in Fukushima and seeing the power plant in the distance. I just feel really sick to my stomach about it. I'm happy and relieved to hear that most of the people I know over there are safe and sound for the time being (or have left the country) but just waiting and waiting to hear about some disaster that will likely be even worse than I can imagine is...I don't even know what a good word is for it.

The Candouchery of the Canadian news cannot be overstated: I'm so relieved to hear that Canadia is sending 6 bandaids and a medic over; I really give a shit that Stephen Harper has expressed his regret for the incident; I'm sure the three nuclear experts from Ontario who are currently en route are really going to tell the Japanese something they don't already know about the situation, good work Ontario; wow, hearing about what Canadians stranded at Narita airport think about anything was my first informational priority too, thanks CTV; thanks, CBC, for informing me that Canadian diplomats are on standby to be airlifted out of Tokyo - again, cutting right to the heart of the matter. In hell, I'll only be allowed to watch Canadian news to hear what Joe from Waterloo's thoughts are about hell, eh. I realize that the CBC has limited means to accomplish its work but it's one thing to have a parochial budget and another thing to not only work within but actively promote COMPLETE PAROCHIAL FUCKTARDARY. Was it always like this and I can only see it now?

Anyway, not a fun or funny blog update, I suppose, all apologies.

L.O.T.S

So, I've been asked to defend my love of Legend of the Seeker.

What can I say?
I blame ABjr - she was the one who recommended it.

It is beyond gratuitous. My favorite character and her subtextual sidekick (actually it's the other way around but whatevs, it's my synopsis so I can choose who is sidekick to whom):


Her character is essentially Christina Yang in the Shire. Also? She kills people and kicks ass by wielding dildos "agiels." I'm seriously not making this up:





Like I said, beyond gratuitous. Sometimes I turn off the sound so I don't have to hear the shitty dialogue. Other points?

Haldir is in it, though apparently his name is Darken Rahl this time:

Again, I turn off the sound, so I just call him Haldir. He's always up to some kind of bullshit.

I can't believe it was canceled. Once again, ABC, you giveth and you taketh away.

How will we know when it's spring?

Friends, I haven't blogged on in a while and I do apologize for that but, frankly, you've missed nothing. It snows here everyday. If it's not snowing, it's raining. If there are days of blessed, blessed sunshine, they are accompanied by -20C or lower temperatures and a wind chill that whispers "I hate you" as it strips the outer layers of skin off your face. Monty and I are so fat and housebound and winterblown that we look like walking honeydew melons (he especially) and I have a massive rash on my ass from wearing long underwear all the time (that's just science).

In contrast, the Ottawans love it and keeping going on about how they skate all the time and skating is so awesome and skating on the canal is awesome and winter is awesome and Winterlude is awesome. Students come to my classes wearing skates around their necks because they just skated to school (really?) because the campus is right on the waterway. At least they're not riding their bikes in the winter time (one of my top 3 all-time pet peeves). This is not the Canal, just a skating rink on my way home from school.


People keep asking me if I've skated on the Canal yet. I probably will skate on the Canal someday, but it won't be this year. The reason is this: skating kind of sucks. Skaters will pretend that it's wonderful and they're having fun and that this is what life is all about but I liken them to pregnant people and parents of young children who have to pretend it's all so awesome and fulfilling so as to trick the rest of us into doing it so they won't be alone in their misery. Skaters need people to watch them skate so that when they do their special tricks (like stopping and going backwards) someone is there to be impressed. Everyone knows that if you skate down the whole Canal with out falling once and there are no witnesses, a kitten dies.

Here are Canal photos I took off the internet:

Skating hurts your feet, causes you to become both ridiculously cold and sweaty at the same time, will leave you bruised somehow (really - you're going to fall, don't pretend you won't), and will suck away your life because it takes 45 minutes of prep for 15 minutes of ice-time.

But the 'Twa love of skating has really helped me to identify a particular brand of douchery that before now I felt but could never put into words: the Canada Douche (or CanDouche for short). French Canadian ones are called Le Shower Canadien (Le ShowCan for short).

It's hard to really explicate exactly what CanDouchery is but you know it when you see it: it is douchery that has a particularly and proudly Canadian bent to it. For example: skaters on the Canal with the giant SUV baby strollers and a coffee in one hand are CanDouches. Another example of CanDouchery is when someone takes the effort to build an elaborate skating rink on their front lawn (complete with hockey nets and floodlights) and then posts a sign (presumably aimed at the rest of the neighbourhood kids) that the rink is for Private Use Only. I've seen this in my neighbourhood on a few occasions (was too scared to be seen taking a picture of it). Instead of front lawn pride, it appears that the CanDouche has front rink pride. I got in trouble from one of the CnDches for letting Monty pee on the tree by their private skating rink but I explained to the CnDch that because he'd just peed on the tree, the tree was in fact Monty's and the Douche should get away from it asap or one of Monty's lawyers would be in touch. Okay, I didn't say this, I only thought of this after the incident and now I wish to go back in time and say it.

Other instances of CanDouchery include when the CBC has a program on about Canadian Identity or Heritage - like how explaining a joke makes it unfunny, if you have to explain why something is a Canadian heritage moment then it really isn't.

There are 5 open and free skating rinks within easy walking distance of my apartment (8 if you count the "private" ones, example below) so I should get over my hate. But I haven't accepted that I have a problem, yet.


In other news, because the river is frozen over, Monty and I go walking on the river!!! The first time we did it, I almost threw up because I was so terrified. Stupid, I know, but when I was in jr high in Calgary one of my friends' older brothers drowned in the Bow River (at least one person drowns in the river every year in Calgary, or at least that's what it seems like, and so that year it was John's brother) and we had to go to all these River Safety presentations and the gist of the presentations was that if you go near the river (frozen, unfrozen, points in between) you will probably die. But we're fine! It will be satisfying when spring does finally come and Monty is perplexed about what happened to his awesome playground. Or he won't be.

Loaf

I did not make Savory Carrot Potato Loaf yesterday for the simple fact that the word "loaf" is disgusting. Instead of ban-i-shedding it from general usage, I hereby proclaim that "loaf" will forever hence be used to refer to things I don't like.

Example that comes immediately to mind: "I have a loaf of midterms to grade."

Other examples:
"There is a loaf of Monty-hair in the corner of my room. I shall have to vacuum."
"I need to shovel the loaf of snow behind my car before I can exit my driveway."
"I have a loaf of student emails in my inbox."

Loaf is the new "buttload."

It might become my new favorite word, replacing dynamitard (you can work "loaf" into everyday conversation with much less effort). When I form an Indie band, Loaf will be its name. Not to be confused with Meat Loaf.

In other news, I've been watching Showtime and HBO series every chance I get - like it is vital that I see them all asap.

Season 2 of United States of Tara is not as good as the first season but Toni Colette is utterly amazing so I can't recommend the series enough.

Season 2 of Nurse Jackie is pure awesome. I would eat Savory Carrot Potato Loaf for a year if it meant that Dr. O'Hara would be my new colleague. Merritt Wever and Anna Deavere Smith are glorious.

Which leads me to The Sopranos through the Edie Falco connection. I'm in the middle of the third season now (aka the Disturbing Season, because it really is gratuitously violent at this point). I can't stop watching even though it's like a train wreck of aggravation. Every episode is like spending time with my parents, extended family, and self at age 15. No, we're not Italian (except for that one twig of the family tree) but holy fuck is Tony Soprano my father. And Carmella Soprano (minus the religiousity) is pretty much my mother. These bizarre familiar feelings are compounded by the fact that Tony Soprano is my father's television hero and we're all pretty sure that he, in fact, thinks that he's Tony Soprano. To the extent that my mother has banned Soprano-watching in their house because it "just encourages him."

Does everyone have this reaction to the Sopranos? Is this the secret of the show's success? The Italian mobster stuff is just the schtick - like the Dexter-serial-killer stuff is just a schtick - so what's left is an ethnography of Mad Men: the Next Generation. I'll keep watching, for sure, but I imagine that it will be some kind of cathartic relief when it's all over.

Other things I'm enjoying? WTF with Marc Maron podcasts. They're comforting somehow but I don't know why.

Okay. Now to my loaf of midterms!

The Long Month

Everyone knows that February is the shortest month of the year but why the hell is it SO FUCKING LONG? It might be that I am resisting winter instead of embracing it, it might be that I have dozens of hours of midterm grading ahead of me, it might be that the job market (a misnomer if I ever heard one) seems to be fucking with everyone through the Chinese water torture of rejection letters and/or the application of impossible choices (you'll have a job but you'll never live with your loved ones again, which will it be??!?! Choose now!!!). I know I am extremely privileged to have my job and I am dearly grateful for my paycheque but if I started writing out all the ways in which living apart from E is actually physically painful I would never recover. I don't know what to do about any of this. February is horrible.

I'm sure you've all been waiting with baited breath to hear about how this ethical consumption thing is going. So first step was to buy special biodegradable, healthy, happy cleaning and grooming products: enter Barb of The Collective Conscience, owner of ecoottawa.com. I'd hotlink this post to their website except for the fact that I know Barb is watching and I don't want her to find my blog. Because Barb and I are now BFFs. E, very sweetly, ordered a bunch of shampoo and conditioner and such from Barb to have it delivered to me for Valentines Day (E is beyond totally awesome, is for certain). Thus ensued multiple email exchanges between E and Barb re: when it could be delivered and what the card should say and what kind of eco-friendly vegetable-print wrapping gift should have, etc etc. So E and Barb are now BFFs and Barb wants you to know that she supports the lesbians (as if something called The Collective Conscience could stay in business without supporting the lesbians, but I digress). I googled Barb and it turns out she was involved in a local fertility-clinic-mixes-up-sperm-so-babydaddy-is actually-the-fertility-doctor!!! scandal a couple or three years ago - Barb played the role of surrogate incubator (I totally saw this on Law & Order!!!). Objection: Irrelevant, your honor! This has nothing to do with ethical consumption. Overruled, I'll allow it counselor - even though this story is not germane to the case at hand, we can hardly expect D to just not tell it.

Anyway, a week later, I ordered a bunch of detergent products from Barb as well, so both E and I are tight with the ecolady.

Re: eco-special-Mc-friendly products. Here's what I've learned:

1) Don't underestimate the good work carcinogens and other nonbiodegradable chemicals are doing in your shampoo. Also, be wary of companies with names that make you feel weird, ie/ The Green Beaver Company (http://www.greenbeaver.com/). The label reads: Cranberry Shampoo; Dry, Damaged Hair. I didn't realize that meant it causes dry, damaged hair. It is like pouring an appletini on your head - smells great but makes hair weird. I would recommend it for shampoo users like Skinn.

There were other kinds of special shampoos that worked way better than the G-Beev but, in general, I haven't found anything in the shampoo or conditioner category that works as well as the nasty stuff in Pantene etc. This will be a continuing saga.

2) There is no such thing as an ecofriendly drain cleaner. Or rather, using ecofriendly drain cleaner on a slow drain is like bringing a toothpick to a knife fight. I will admit that using LiquidPlummer might be like bringing an atomic bomb to a knife fight but is there no happy medium?? Is there no knife??!?!

3) Eco-special detergents in general kinda suck. I am saving the world but my dishes are half-clean, my hair is like brown straw, my laundry smells like the dog, and my drains are slow. The one, wonderful, revelatory exception to all this is this product:
Most soaps give me rashes but Natureclean does not. I love you Natureclean 100% Natural Soap unscented hypoallergenic, you have changed my life.

In other news, my organic veg delivery has been a steady stream of carrots, potatoes, and leafy bullshit for weeks now. I am not a leafy salad person. I am a chunky vegetable salad person (ie Greek salad, marinated salad, non-lettuce salad). Because I also have a backlog of heaven-blessed organic eggs, I am seriously considering making Savory Potato Carrot Loaf (recipe came with veg delivery) today. It sounds so sick! But maybe is delicious?

This ethical stuff is hard. :/ Fuck you, February, fuck you.

I watch my numbers

The U has this thing where somehow or other funding is distributed throughout faculties based on numbers of enrollment and retention. There are other things built into the system that encourages full-time TT and senior faculty (as opposed to contract instructors) to teach large survey courses (as opposed to small specialist classes). Whether or not this is a good thing or a bad thing is debatable but also beside the point: it is my life now. So I watch my numbers. In November, my large enrollment class was at about a 60. In December, inexplicably, it swelled to around 77. After the first class in January it grew to about 88 and I felt good about myself! And slowly thereafter began the long, slow goodbye. I'm at 79 today and hoping to hold strong but the midterm is coming up so that could signal a grand reckoning.

Thus begins the annual "Is It Me Or Is It Them?" fest.

Does it matter for my job if I teach classes with high enrollment and retention? Yes.

I did an unofficial survey in my class and asked them all what kinds of courses they would want to take (they are mostly second years). Overwhelmingly the response was ancient Rome and Egypt, more military/diplomatic, more Germany/Holocaust. ie/ the comfort-food history favored by the Armchair Generals who watch the History Channel (in Canada, the H Channel actually still has history-related programming, it was kind of shocking to see at first). Some saw the survey as an opportunity to inform me of the ways in which I was teaching our class wrong: too much culture and women and slavery, not enough "real" history.

Of course, this is the issue. If you asked a hundred 20-year-olds what they'd want to eat everyday if they could eat anything at all, it would probably be pizza, McDonalds, and chocolate cake. Heck, you could do the same survey with 8-year-olds and 40-year-olds and 80-year olds and me and get the same results.

The question is: what do we do with this information?

And really, I mis-represented the responses to my original survey because, statistically, the overwhelming response was dead silence - only about a third of the class responded to the survey. Which is actual a pretty typical turnout for any Canadian election.

So, again, what do we do with this information?