Friends, I haven't blogged on in a while and I do apologize for that but, frankly, you've missed nothing. It snows here everyday. If it's not snowing, it's raining. If there are days of blessed, blessed sunshine, they are accompanied by -20C or lower temperatures and a wind chill that whispers "I hate you" as it strips the outer layers of skin off your face. Monty and I are so fat and housebound and winterblown that we look like walking honeydew melons (he especially) and I have a massive rash on my ass from wearing long underwear all the time (that's just science).
In contrast, the Ottawans love it and keeping going on about how they skate all the time and skating is so awesome and skating on the canal is awesome and winter is awesome and Winterlude is awesome. Students come to my classes wearing skates around their necks because they just skated to school (really?) because the campus is right on the waterway. At least they're not riding their bikes in the winter time (one of my top 3 all-time pet peeves). This is not the Canal, just a skating rink on my way home from school.
People keep asking me if I've skated on the Canal yet. I probably will skate on the Canal someday, but it won't be this year. The reason is this: skating kind of sucks. Skaters will pretend that it's wonderful and they're having fun and that this is what life is all about but I liken them to pregnant people and parents of young children who have to pretend it's all so awesome and fulfilling so as to trick the rest of us into doing it so they won't be alone in their misery. Skaters need people to watch them skate so that when they do their special tricks (like stopping and going backwards) someone is there to be impressed. Everyone knows that if you skate down the whole Canal with out falling once and there are no witnesses, a kitten dies.
Here are Canal photos I took off the internet:
Skating hurts your feet, causes you to become both ridiculously cold and sweaty at the same time, will leave you bruised somehow (really - you're going to fall, don't pretend you won't), and will suck away your life because it takes 45 minutes of prep for 15 minutes of ice-time.
But the 'Twa love of skating has really helped me to identify a particular brand of douchery that before now I felt but could never put into words: the Canada Douche (or CanDouche for short). French Canadian ones are called Le Shower Canadien (Le ShowCan for short).
It's hard to really explicate exactly what CanDouchery is but you know it when you see it: it is douchery that has a particularly and proudly Canadian bent to it. For example: skaters on the Canal with the giant SUV baby strollers and a coffee in one hand are CanDouches. Another example of CanDouchery is when someone takes the effort to build an elaborate skating rink on their front lawn (complete with hockey nets and floodlights) and then posts a sign (presumably aimed at the rest of the neighbourhood kids) that the rink is for Private Use Only. I've seen this in my neighbourhood on a few occasions (was too scared to be seen taking a picture of it). Instead of front lawn pride, it appears that the CanDouche has front rink pride. I got in trouble from one of the CnDches for letting Monty pee on the tree by their private skating rink but I explained to the CnDch that because he'd just peed on the tree, the tree was in fact Monty's and the Douche should get away from it asap or one of Monty's lawyers would be in touch. Okay, I didn't say this, I only thought of this after the incident and now I wish to go back in time and say it.
Other instances of CanDouchery include when the CBC has a program on about Canadian Identity or Heritage - like how explaining a joke makes it unfunny, if you have to explain why something is a Canadian heritage moment then it really isn't.
There are 5 open and free skating rinks within easy walking distance of my apartment (8 if you count the "private" ones, example below) so I should get over my hate. But I haven't accepted that I have a problem, yet.
In other news, because the river is frozen over, Monty and I go walking on the river!!! The first time we did it, I almost threw up because I was so terrified. Stupid, I know, but when I was in jr high in Calgary one of my friends' older brothers drowned in the Bow River (at least one person drowns in the river every year in Calgary, or at least that's what it seems like, and so that year it was John's brother) and we had to go to all these River Safety presentations and the gist of the presentations was that if you go near the river (frozen, unfrozen, points in between) you will probably die. But we're fine! It will be satisfying when spring does finally come and Monty is perplexed about what happened to his awesome playground. Or he won't be.
