Dear Charmin

Dear Charmin,

For the past 35 dog years, I've watched your stupid, stupefying commercials.  I have suspended my disbelief regarding the usage of toilet paper among bear-kind.  While I have openly questioned how it could ever be possible that a pantless child-bear, feeling the need to wipe its own ass after shitting in the woods, could leave several bits of toilet paper all over said ass once, let alone enough times that he would require regular ass-inspection (and mild shaming) from Momma Bear, before this moment I have not turned to the internet to announce my misgivings.  Many others have -- if you type "Charmin commercials" into google, the suggested search that comes up is, "Charmin commercials disgusting."Go down that path if you wish.

The first commercial was jarring, the next few equally jarring.  Mostly because I couldn't believe that your company was sticking with this ad campaign and that some collection of MadMen were sitting around a boardroom table pitching a whole set of and-then-the-bear-has-bits-of-toilet-paper-all-over-his-ass! commercials.  What were the ones you chose not to make?  What crossed the line?

The commercials themselves are plenty disturbing but here's what's really getting to me: the complete lack of improvement shown by the child-bear in the past 5 years.  Seriously, bear, what *exactly* is wrong with you that you can't figure this out by now?  In the second-to-last instalment in the series, you were playing video games on top of a bunch of cushions you stole from the couch.  So you can figure that out but you can't wipe your own ass properly?  What the fuck, bear?

The latest commercial is even more horrific than the previous ones (and that's really saying something) because it has Momma Bear going through her bear-child's dirty laundry (strange because the bear-child is usually pantless) and finding a pair of tighty-whities with SKID MARKS in them.  That's right, his problem has evolved from toilet paper bits (perhaps indicative of too much wiping?) to nasty skid marks, clearly indicative of lack of wiping.  Momma Bear, I ask it again, what the hell is wrong with your child?

Maybe this is the kind of thing that all parents go through and my incredulity re: the child-bear's apparent bathroom disability only comes from my lack of experience with ass-inspecting children.  I don't know.  But this whole thing has gone on wayyyyyy too long, that's what I'm saying.

As for your actual product, Charmin, I have absolutely no thoughts about it whatsoever.  Sometimes I buy it when it's on sale, sometimes I buy other toilet paper.  It all seems to work.

Best wishes,
D

nonsequitur

Once, I had a student who was named something very, very similar to Larryjeff.  All one word.

Once I had a student come up to me after class, say how much she enjoyed class, and then say that she was also registered in one of my classes next term and was really excited about it.  I said, "Great!" or something like that.  The next day, she withdrew from both classes and I haven't seen her since.

Once, one of my students sent me a pic of a horse being born as proof of why she was missing class that day. The accompanying email didn't explain to me that the pic was of a horse being born - I got that info later when she was back in class.  The image continues to haunt me and if I ever cut an album, I'm going to see if that pic can be the album cover.  I'd post it here but I don't want it on my blog.  It's kind of like this one only more of a close-up. Album cover, yes; blog, no.

Once, one of my students sent me emails regularly that began with the greeting, "Hey there, ..."  It always made me think of the Ryan Gosling Hey Girl meme.

Once, I had only 3 weeks of classes left in the semester. It was both amazing and horrific at the same time.

My thoughts on collegial engagement with the (inevitable) conclusion of how I think I'm awesome

Your colleagues are a lot like your family -- you can't pick them, you're not all working for the same goal, you don't have to take their advice but you have to pretend you're listening to it, there are hierarchies that do and don't make sense, and you are all supposed to live in the same house. I think of the family home like a Romneyesque mansion where some members hide in their rooms and only come out for meals, some keep getting their artwork put up on the refrigerator, and others are always vacuuming at inappropriate times. Somehow we're still supposed to be a family. Excommunication is not an option.

I think just acknowledging that is a step in the right direction.

Like my family, my colleagues can surprise me. I'm trying to think about the things that I love about history and about my job.

 I like that history is essentially about people. I'm not a people person but I'm not a misanthrope (those two things aren't binary opposites) and I like how by studying history you essentially study the spectrum of humanity. We can get all classicist and shit about it with Terence: Homo sum, humani nihil a me alienum puto, or "I am a human being, I consider nothing that is human alien to me." The stakes are always about how folks live their lives and that seems important to me.

I like that there's lots of different ways to do history. My own training and whatnot has me with strengths in some areas and weaknesses in others and someone with different training and whatnot has a different set of strengths and weaknesses. We can both produce viable history. Actually, it's essential that we both produce viable histories because neither of us can do it on our own or even in tandem -- in order to have any value, the discipline requires diversity. We are longgggg past the point where the definitive book on Subject X is possible. I'm not entirely sure why so many of my colleagues insist on evaluating everything in terms of how many degrees away it is from how they would do it (or more to the point, if it's written in a manner that is pleasing to their storybook training). This frustrates me. Recognizing the value of diversity in methodology is actually fundamental to recognizing the value of diversity period.

I am aging (teaching 19-year-olds reminds one of this, often) but not yet aged (the aged reveal themselves to me on a daily basis as well), and one of the sheer delights about the whole thing is that you get a much better sense of what you're good at, what you could be good at, what you don't have to be good at, and what your weaknesses are.

Goal: remember all of these things and all of the above.

Conclusion: I am awesome!

 
 ps If Mittens wins this election, I seriously don't know how I'm going to react. It will be extreme and dramatic. I could threaten to move to Canada (# of people who threaten to move to Canada if X happens in the US: millions; # who actually do: 0. Babies! Way to walk the walk, people) but I'm already here and realize that a Republican win will fuck up my country too. I so hope this neck-and-neck polling is just CNN bullshit drama that, like most CNN bullshit drama, will not be real when the time comes.

pps E is on a plane, flying home to Montoya and me as I type this!  Steer clear of Hurricane Sandy, Lufthansa! It's only 3 hrs late so far but this will give us time to clean up the apartment.  And by us I mean me.

68 hours to go!

68 hours until E is back in the 'twa!!!! Can Montoya and I make it? We've been hitting the Cowboy Junkies pretty hard, alls I'm saying.

14 Days

14 days until E is back!!! Neither Montoya nor I can wait!!! He, especially, methinks because his life has been a world of suck since his 24/7 personal servant left him. He's like Robert Crawley after Mr. Bates went away -- bewildered and dishevelled.  Montoya doesn't use the phone, though.  I haven't started watching Season 3 yet so don't tell me anything about it!

At the halfway point until E comes back and almost exactly halfway through the semester.  Things are going as well as can be expected, really!

So today I have two things I'm thinking about, neither of which are terribly important or pressing but it's  Saturday and I'm a little hungover (Prof H's birthday last night, very fun).

1.  Because so many of you are parents or older and wiser than me, I want to plumb your knowledge. I live in a neighbourhood that's overflowing with children and family pets.  I see some things. This is a little segment new to the blog I want to call:

Good Parenting or Bad Parenting?

Scenario:  Father and two children (6-8 year olds, I guess) are out for an afternoon bike ride.  They are all properly attired in helmets and gear, are riding their bikes on the street, but are not keeping tight to the curb at all.  Car, clearly going too fast for a residential area, zooms by them, scares everyone, and jolts to a stop, intending to turn left.  Father rides his bike over to the stopped car and bitches out the driver for Driving Too Fast in a Residential Area Where There Are Children On Bikes.  Car driver flips Daddy-O the bird and zooms off.  Father rides back to his children and they resume their bike ride, altering their behaviour in zero ways.  Good Parenting or Bad Parenting?

A)  Good parenting! Father has modelled excellent citizen behaviour by stepping up and letting the guilty party know that they are the guilty party and that We Are Watching You and that bad behaviour will get an angry Talking To.  Children feel like Father has their back and is possibly bad-ass.

B) Bad parenting! The correct response would have been for Father to go to his children and explain how there are assholes everywhere and alls they can do is be vigilant and Look Out For Assholes and not expect all cars to drive by/around them amusedly.

C) Um, that wasn't parenting so much as Alpha Male behaviour.  Take-away message for children is either that Dad is the Shit or Dad Thinks He's the Shit or Fast-Car-Driver is the Shit.

D) I can't believe I read this much text and this is all it's amounted to.  Shame on you, D.  Shame on you.

E) Other (please explain).

2.  Here's another segment I want to introduce to the blog called:

Who's the Asshole?

No, this is not an alternate title for Two and a Half Men.  This is real life.

Scenario: My father and I don't really have the best relationship.  From the age of 8 until just a few years ago, I thought of him like how I imagine schoolchildren think of their schoolyard bully.  It's only since he's retired and has, I think, begun to feel old and irrelevant that he's also begun to be much less of an asshole.  His behaviour has changed so dramatically that I'm worried that he's been either diagnosed with some horrible disease he's not telling me about or is doing the 12 Steps (again).  Our latest email exchange is an example.

Oct 1, YFALF: HEY KID, YOUR MOTHER SAID YOU GAVE A PAPER THE OTHER DAY THAT WENT PRETTY WELL.  SEND IT TO YOUR OLD MAN AND I'LL READ IT.  MIGHT BE INTERESTING TO SEE WHAT YOU WRITE ABOUT.

Oct 4, D: Really? I feel strongly that it will cure all insomnia.  In the middle of my talk someone stood up to shake out their legs.  See attached!

Oct 5, YFALF: Brown Eyes: FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH, I ENJOYED YOUR PAPER IMMENSELY.  YOU FOCUSED ON AREAS THAT I DON'T THINK HAVE BEEN ANALYZED IN THAT WAY BEFORE. I WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF YOU SEND ME SOME OTHERS THAT YOU HAVE DONE.

[D thinks to self: Am I being punk'd???? What the hell is going on????]

Oct 7, D: Thanks for this, Dad! Okay, you asked for it! See attached for a couple of other papers I gave last year and my job talk!

Oct 8, YFALF: JUST FINISHED READING ALL OF YOUR PAPERS AND ENJOYED THEM ALL VERY MUCH.  I DON'T ALWAYS AGREE WITH YOUR OPINIONS BUT YOU MAKE THEM IN A VERY IMPACTFUL WAY AND I ADMIRE THAT VERY MUCH. YOUR IDEAS ABOUT CREDIT ARE WAY OFF BUT WHAT THE HELL.  SOME DAY I WOULD LIKE TO WATCH ONE OF YOUR CLASSES.

[D thinks to self: um, those aren't opinions but okay, I'll take this.  WHAT. IS. HAPPENING?!]

Oct 10, D: Thanks, Dad! That's really great to hear! 

Oct 12, YFALF: I'VE BEEN THINKING A LOT ABOUT THE SPICE TRADE AND I THINK I WANT TO WRITE A BOOK ABOUT IT.  YOU'VE INSPIRED ME, KID!

I haven't written back yet because seriouslywhatthefuck.  Has my sister hacked into his email account and is playing the best-planned prank of her life?  Am I a complete asshole for immediately thinking, I've gone to school for the last fifteen years so that I can become qualified to write this shit and you presume to critique my work? And then you presume to be able to do it yourself? I'm also a little miffed that he can be a world-class A-hole for 36 years and I'm supposed to be all elated that he's finally treating me like a human?  Have I become the asshole?  Is this the circle of life?

I have absolutely no idea what to make of any of this.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone

A piece from the "Convos with Mother" files, dramatized for your enjoyment:

Poor Barb
by: D

I like to think that she is so traumatized by what is happening to her friend that she is in some kind of denial. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! Send power to Barb!

T Giving already!

Dear all,

I can only apologize for allowing the blog to fall into ruin and decay! My job is leaving me with precious little in the way of interesting things to say beyond topics such as:
1) kids these days!
2) who thought University Decision X was a good idea?
3) can you believe the make-work shenanigan Colleague R through Z got me into?
4) omgIhavesomuchworktodoomgIshouldbedoingitomg

It is our Thanksgiving Break here in the 'Twa (all 2 days of it) and, holy crap!, I need it.

Update:

1) E is in Russia to do research on The Things She Works On.  All is well - she has an apartment, a cleaning lady who keeps unplugging her refrigerator, and a registered visa.  There are 80% less street food options in Moscow than when she was there last and that is a real pisser.  Montoya and I are literally counting the days until her return (22!) and it feels like all the sunshine has gone out of Ottawa.

2) All the sunshine has gone out of Ottawa! As I type this, it's pouring down rain and there are 4 roofing guys on my neighbour's roof yelling all kinds of important-sounding information at one another in French.  One of the Francos seems particularly angry/outraged at the situation. Another seems perfectly content. The one Anglo is roaming around yelling, "WHAT THE FUCK!" every few minutes and the fourth guy is whistling loudly.  If my brain had any juice left in it I might be able to come up with a clever commentary on how this is Canada (dis)functioning in microcosm but because this scenario happens every goddamned day from 7:30 am onwards it might just be another day in the 'Twa.

3) Lovely Jess asked me to circulate recipes I've discovered while on the WeightWatchers.  I'm happy to oblige.

Exhibit A

Weight Watchers Cheesecake

Ingredients:

2 rice cakes (extra dry)

1 tbsp of light cream cheese

1 tsp honey

WW points: 3

Prep time: 47 sec

Eat time: 33 seconds

Satisfying for: 18 minutes

Exhibit B:

Weight Watchers Pizza

Ingredients:

2 rice cakes (extra dry)

2 squirts of light caesar salad dressing

2 slices of deli meat

2 slices of tomato

10 crumbled bits of light feta cheese

WW points: 9

Prep time: 7 minutes

Eat time: 3 minutes

Satisfying for: 48 minutes

I invented the first one; E, the second. It's amazing how delicious these are after you've been on WW for months and months.

4) My adherence to the WW plan has been very, very loose since E has gone to Russia.

5) I dislike Michael Kors of fashion world fame and Project Runway celebrity for two reasons.  I feel like voicing them now:

First, the zingers he comes up with on Project Runway are deliberately mean and he only says them to get airtime on the show.  They are rarely constructive or witty.  When he delivers them he gets this look on his face like he's winning at Salon and it's 1788.  This makes me think he is an asshole.

Second, and a much more egregious offence in my opinion, is the fact that he wears the same fucking thing every episode.  WHAT A COMPLETE ASSHOLE! If you're in the fashion business, fucking wear it.  This is why I love Heidi and Tim Gunn: they are walking the walk.  Nina Garcia is perhaps trying to pull off the Michael Kors m.o. by not making terribly noticeable fashion decisions week to week but at least I know she's wearing different outfits.  How that dick expects anyone to pay for anything he's designed when he clearly doesn't respect the business enough to engage in it himself is beyond me.  Asshole!

I apologize for coming late to PR commentary but my fury at the Michael Kors cannot be contained any longer.  He's not even aware enough to be a hipster douchebag and his skin tone is the same as Schwarzenegger's. Dislike.  Why is he relevant???

6) Am going to take Montoya for a long walk and use today to relax! Step 1: 2 orders of WW cheesecake.  And maybe a side of bacon.  Step 2: ???