9.5 hrs ain't so bad

Last week I heroically jumped in my car and drove back to the 'twa for one day of meetings. Then I turned around and drove back again. I thought someone at my place of business would notice that I hadn't been to my office for a month but apparently not. I gave two of the admin assistants special hallowed chocolate from the road (MalloCups, the most delicious of the gas station chocolate bar selections) but they didn't seem interested. One said, "Oh, I suppose there's no calories in this." I didn't ask for it back but I wanted to. In the end, I didn't tell anyone about my transnational commute because they would have given my story a zero (isn't it at least a 2?) or more likely would have interrupted mine with a story of their own summer plan to do vital research in Kitchener.

I don't know what I was expecting (a parade? red carpet? some kind of spontaneous enthusiasm?) but I didn't get it. Turns out I'm really not that big a deal. [Aside: Wm+k8 will grace the 'twa for July 1 this year, the city is aflutter. They = actual big deal, it turns out. But will they be bringing MalloCups? I think not.]

My non-reception was sobering and I'm not sure if it mattered at all that I attended said meetings, aside from gaining more insight into dept culture and what a few of my colleagues haven't been reading. Nevertheless, I learned an extremely important lesson from all of this, one that appears in most fortune cookies and the opening credits of The United States of Tara, which I watch every week [excellent show - if you're not watching it and/or Nurse Jackie, I don't know what is wrong with you]. After 34+ years and a roadtrip to Ottawa, I think I'm finally getting it:



Ya just gotta enjoy the ride. Especially in this business because we all know that milestones are some made up b.s.

The drive to and from the 'twa was awesome! Solo road trips can rock for the following reasons:

1) Singing. You can sing as loudly and as soulfully as you want, to whatever music you want, with complete impunity. Duets unfit for other human ears include: me and Freddie Mercury, me and kd lang (I attempted to sing harmony which was astoundingly unsuccessful), me and Matt Berninger (truly awful), and me and Tori Amos (for realz, "beyond wailing" is how I would describe it). I enjoyed every second. I also carseat-danced to James Brown as I attempted to get up off of that thang but I didn't think that was worthy of its own numbered bullet point.

2) Pit stops! These United States have brought us wonderful rest stops with clean, working bathrooms and gas stations full of anything you could want: uppers; downers; showers; a gentlemen's club in close proximity; intriguing chocolate bars; dangerously compelling pastries made by L'il people; hygiene products for men, women and pets; every kind of jerky, coffee, hot dog, or deep-fried goodness under heaven; all legalish tobacco or alcohol-related products (snuff? I'm sure they have it); DVDs; DVD players; toy guns and rubber balls so the family road trip can become *super fun*; and mace. Some even have fresh fruit! You truly never know what you will find on offer at a gas station. For those financiers out there, here's my pitch for an independent film: a roadtrip docu-dramedy wherein for one year the characters must live in their cars, ONLY subsisting on goods purchased at gas stations found en route to Somewhere Else. Some will die of malnutrition, others will thrive, everyone will have ill-fitting T-shirts. We can intersperse this story with interviews of actual truckers who live this way all the time. Good, right? It's possible this movie already exists and is just in my netflix queue. If you want to finance this film then awesomesauce! I waive all my creative fees and rights under one condition: n8 plays The Bandit.

3) Gorgeous scenery and roads less travelled. On the way back, I veered off the interstate path so that I could hit State College, PA before getting to Balto. Best. Decision. Ever. I ended up driving through Ithaca and found myself winding through Pennsylvannia on US-15: amazing. The stretch of route between Gettysburg and Charlottesville has been renamed the "Journey Through Hallowed Ground" to attract Civil War pilgrims, but don't let that scare you off - the scenery along the whole highway is absolutely incredible. The day I drove it was a little bit foggy but still sunny - this made the surrounding forests and hills look especially vast and important, like a scenery shot in Land of the Lost or Last of the Mohicans or New World Movie X of the Y. Perhaps the highway gets clogged when the kiddies get of out of school but there was no one else on the trail when I drove it. Very cool. I can't post a picture because I was busy driving and singing but a snapshot wouldn't do it justice anyway. Yes, I eventually got stuck behind a camper and 4 Harley-clad weekend warriors but I was just enjoying the ride, man! The only downside to getting off the interstates was that when the GPS crapped out ("lost satellite reception"), as it did intermittently for the whole trip, I was really effing lost. But whatevs, I got here. We're definitely going back that way in July. US-15 - I'd recommend it!

4) Friend Pit Stops! Here's the best part of the trip: on the way up I saw mf in Bingo and on the way back I saw J&S in State College. Yes! State College is actually the name of the town. Yes, it's built around a state college!

In Bingo, we took Pumpkin to a fun dog park. Mf lost a key (loose key). Here is a pic of her looking for it. The pic is really of the terrain in which she lost it:

We did not find the key.

Here is a pic of J and me by a State College monument. Identifying eyes have been blotted out to preserve internet anonymity and emphasize my ill-fitting pants.
State College is small but not un-awesome. There I learned to heart a new frozen treat: Rita's Gelati, which is delicious Italian ice PLUS frozen custard. Like the most wonderful creamsicle in the world.

The ride was good times!

mfree weekend!

About six seconds after the mfreemobile pulled into the driveway Friday night, Monty was plastered to her side and didn't leave it until she blew out of town Tuesday morning. In other words, he dropped me faster than third period French class.



Who could compete with Auntie Mame? All these photos exist because mfree told me to "take a picture of how much Monty loves me" so I post them without reservation.

Convo we had at breakfast on Saturday:

mf: Open your computer and Google 'famous people from Ottawa.'
D: Let's see... Margaret Atwood, Dan Aykroyd, a bunch of hockey players, Princess Margriet of the Netherlands, Alanis Morissette-
mf: I think she taught me third grade science.
D: Alanis Morissette taught you third grade science.
mf: No, Princess Margriet of the Netherlands.
D: ...
mf: She did! She was crossed-eyed and we made her cry.
D: That's ridiculous.
mf: Give me the computer!

Several Googles later she came up with this:

D: I am impressed that you found an image of Dutch royalty with esotropia but this does not prove your story in any way.
mf: It's real!! Give me back the computer!!

Several Googles later she started jumping up and down in a victory dance like a woo-girl:
Princess Christina of the Netherlands
According to wikipedia, "Her mother had contracted German measles during her pregnancy and as a result, the Princess was born nearly blind. Over time, advances in medicine allowed for treatments that, with the aid of special glasses, brought about an improvement in her vision so that she could attend school and live a relatively normal life...............In 1963, Princess Marijke changed to using her second name, Christina. Pursuing her gift for music, at age 21 she moved to Canada to study classical music in Montreal. After a few years, she accepted a teaching position at a Montessori school in New York City. There, living an ordinary life under the name Christina van Oranje, the Dutch Princess met and fell in love with a Havana-born Cuban exile named Jorge Pérez y Guillermo, born in Havana on 1 August 1946, himself a teacher for the Addie May Collins Shelter of Harlem."

What.the.Fuck. I don't know what's real anymore. But mfree was taught third grade science by Princess Christina of the Netherlands. And, no, esotropia does not run in the Dutch royal family.

The weekend was pretty fun! Among other things, we invaded Parliament Hill:

Post-mfree, Monty has now slept for about 22 hours straight. He just had Best. Thanksgiving. Weekend. Ever.

Bracing for Impact

Fall is, like, *here*. It's not a grand, glorious fall with warmness, apple-picking, and the uncontrollable urge to drive around and see the trees - mostly it's been a lot of cold, dismal rain - but there are sunshiney breaks that reveal the lovely changing maple leaves (not to be confused with the maple leafs)that I've been promised since childhood. One of those sunshiney breaks occurred last weekend when E was here (coincidence? I think not) and we ran out and took pictures:

Yeah, it looks like Chambana. The second to last one is the exhibition hall at Lansdowne Park that Monty and I can see when we stroll to the mailbox - built to resemble the Crystal Palace (the building was, not the mailbox). I learned that some people want to tear it down because it's kind of useless and takes up space but others want it to live forever as a relic of Victorian exhibitiana.

What I learned on my bus tour of the city given by one of the Ottawa historians in the department (tour was actually really fun!) is that this confused, schizophrenic, under-and-overconfident approach to Ottawa's public spaces -- and the concept of the city itself -- is really its defining characteristic. Various landmarks, particularly from the late 19c and early 20c, reflect the muddle of ideas on what, exactly, the city was supposed to represent: a knock-off version of DC or New York (there's a Central Park here, for example), a little London (our gothic-style Parliament buildings), neo-Georgian neo-classicism (which is dangerously French/republican), a would-be industrial center a la Pittsburgh (? they had a dream), a military stronghold (post 1812), or naturalist styles meant to capture/reflect the "rugged Canadian wilderness." And those are just the official visions. It's so Canadian, isn't it?

I didn't take any pictures of the bus tour because I wanted to pretend like I was cool (I'm sure no one was fooled but grad students are so scary!) but I should have. PERHAPS I will try to replicate the tour, or at least walk some of it, when Mfree+Pumpkin blow into town on Saturday! And leave on Tuesday. Mfree wants to experience a true Canadian Thanksgiving which, indeed, it is this weekend but I don't know how I can really deliver this because 1) Cdn Thxgvn is so subtle you might not even notice it except for the turkey and 2) she doesn't eat turkey or meat of any kind or sugar or gluten. Avocado salad? Am still trying to think of what to do. But also I know that making plans of any kind re: mfree is like planning a hurricane. I don't know what is going to happen to me and Monty this weekend but I do promise two things: pictures and a blog post.

Oh, also!!!! I SAW A SNAKE!!! It was sunning itself on the sidewalk IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE (!!!) when I walked home on Monday, it being unusually lovely Monday afternoon. The snake was maybe a foot or so long, very thin, and was green with yellow underneath. I was maybe three feet away when I saw it and I just stopped and stared with my hands over my mouth for maybe 10 minutes. Then I went inside and changed my pants. I thought about trying to take a picture of it but I was too fucking scared. I know that it is probably not the phantom variety of poisonous Ottawan serpent that I've never heard of, or the Ottawa River Ogopogo or anything like that, and is most likely a harmless, tiny snake that was innocently sunning itself on a nice day. I know this. But I have not used the front door since Monday. (What's stopping it from coming into my backyard, you ask? Well, Melissa S told me that snakes don't like dark, dank places because they like to sun themselves so they would stay away from my backyard and she only speaks the truth and if I see a snake in my backyard I'm going to fly to Illinois and slap her). My biggest fear is that Monty will find a snake and pick it up and then I will have to do something about it like pull it out of his mouth - and I'll probably die if that happens. I guess that's not really a very big "greatest fear" in the whole scheme of things but I think about it often and am looking forward to winter for that reason.

In other news, I went to a really good talk last night and I don't know how long it's been since I can say that. It was given by the Barbados scholar/activist Sir Hilary Beckles (http://www.cavehill.uwi.edu/principal/biography.asp) on “The Great Divide: Africa and the African Diaspora on Reparation” and it was completely fascinating. What a great speaker! If you have a chance to hear him or engage with the issue, I'd highly recommend it. The topic itself would be wonderfully teachable and he makes a claim for how 20c world history should actually be all about Africa and diaspora, by which I was enthralled and energized. Me! It was good times and reminded me why I like/do this stuff and that really is the best kind of talk ever.