(all present)

Sadly, Montoya and I are still in Ottawa - new ETD is Saturday.

Spring has absolutely exploded here. Some precious facts about the 'Twa that I did not know before moving here:

1) After Vancouver and Montreal, Ottawa is the 3rd likeliest city in Canada to have a major earthquake in the future! What the hell? I learned this from the local news so I have to take back my previous comments re: learning sweet nothing from local news. If this is a fact that was manufactured for ratings in the context of the Japan earthquakes (Jesse Ventura would be with me on this) then local news is smarter than I thought and also can go fuck a goat.

[Aside, I would like to apologize to goats out there. I deliver your bodies up too readily and it has to stop. I have nothing against you and also I love goat cheese so I'm really an asshole.]

2) "Perfect storm" and "Hellmouth" are two names I have heard to describe this precious city in springtime. Apparently land formations, weather patterns, and floral and faunal activity combine to create a pollinated, low pressure Valley of Doom in April and May that few can escape. Example: I did not have springtime allergies before moving here and now I most definitely do. If you have allergies in wherever you are and you are considering a visit to the 'Twa, DO NOT COME IN THE SPRING. If this dashes your hopes of becoming Prime Minister one day, I am sorry but you will thank me later.

[Aside, I do not want to talk about the upcoming Canadian election too much. I am poised to be excited about a surprise NDP landslide! I do not want to think about other options, however realistic. You know what's kind of fun? This website: http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/canadavotes2011/votecompass/. It helps the undecided not vote conservative identify whichever party most closely reflects their beliefs. If you're in the East (ie/ what people here refer to as the "Centre" when what they really mean to say is "Metropole"), choosing a political party to vote for is like choosing a cable package - whichever one you choose, it's going to include a bunch of shit that you don't want, and in all likelihood your favorite channels will be in two different packages. And you know the cable company will eventually try to fuck you by jacking the rates. If you're in the West, your vote is irrelevant.]

Something else I don't want to talk about? Two words: royal wedding. Monty and I were supposed to be out of the country for that. I know, it's inescapable, you have it too, blah blah blah. But I assure you, you don't know what outside-of-Britain royal wedding hoopla is until you live in the capital of a Dominion. CTV has promised me that Tracey Ullman will commentate the ceremony for them and that might make it totally awesome but at 3am? I love you Tracey but even you can't make me watch this.

In other news, I *love* audio books. I downloaded Tina Fey's Bossypants from Audible and it was fabulous. Because it is read by the author, this is the moment when the audiobook truly surpasses the written form. I have Sarah Vowell's Hawaii book all cued up for the roadtrip to Balto.

But I have not forsaken the written word completely (though I do wish some of my work books were in audio form, however much of a sleep-inducing road hazard they might be). A few years ago, my great aunts on my mother's father's side put together a family history, "A Rich Heritage: The Boulter Family History: 1700-2007." They specially cerloxed a copy for me because they knew how much I would treasure it, being a history person and all. I finally read it; it's 186 pages.

I now know a lot about my great aunts. Because I know a fuller story than they've recorded, it's actually entertaining to view the editing process. Details that didn't make it into this impressive tome? My grandmother's Jewishness, everyone's raging alcoholism, my great aunt's adopted daughter Alison (not part of the family tree, I guess), my lesbian aunt's partner and children, the alcohol-induced fire that totally burned up Uncle Ralph's face (in some pictures he looks fine, in others he's all scarred, no explanation given), how anyone died (car accidents, a higher-than-average rate of cancer among the farm-dwelling folk), how Uncle Glenn's hand was crushed (combine), my Uncle Ralph's divorce and subsequent three marriages (no mention of those families), and cousin Jeff's (continuing) time in jail. They actually lied about the timing of cousin Nicola's marriage to whatshisname because she had the twins about 3 months before anyone decided to tell anyone that she and whatshisface had married - and also they're NOT MARRIED, everyone knows this. I do give the aunts props for how they dealt with the tricky Denny-and-Judy situation. See, Denny is my mother's cousin and Judy is also my mother's cousin which means that when Denny and Judy got married it was a marriage between . . . the aunts gloss over this by having an explanation of Judy's side of the family tree stick in the first third of the book and then Denny's in the last third and NOT including a tree diagram which makes it harder for the reader to see how the pieces overlap.

What did make the official history? Well, the word "pioneer" comes up a lot and I now know a heroic and self-sacrificing version of what everyone did during the Depression and the War. I am mentioned in this book as a "saxophone enthusiast" because I did, in fact, play the saxophone in junior high and it must have helped the aunts draw out a theme of a "love of music in the Boulter family" that has apparently flourished since 1700. A note of clarification: none of the Boulter family has any music talent whatsoever and that includes myself and adopted cousin Alison.

A really creepy thing that my aunts did was with the images in the book: they've included a bunch of group photos from various times but in instances where -- I guess? -- the picture wasn't clear enough, or inclusive enough, they've cut the heads out of other photos and glued them over the original. I'm going to have to scan in an example so you can experience the full effect:


Caption: The family in 1967 (all present).

My grandmother is the blonde at far left, middle and I feel like I know exactly what she is thinking at that moment.

Just how I remember it

My parents have a special gift for knowing exactly when I am stressed out and then bombarding me with questions about stupid shit that doesn't need to be planned this exact second. Case in point: WHEN AM I GOING TO GO TO CALGARY THIS SUMMER?!?!?!??!

In honor of their talent for making sure the rest of the world turns on their time, I post this video. Nothing has changed.

If a picture says a thousand words, this is how I feel about all things right this second:

Hello Friday.

No Me Grade

It was a glorious, beautiful weekend where I did no grading and prepared no lectures for this week! I remembered the taste of food. I took Monty for a long, long walk (in the rain - he was miffed, but exercised). I cleaned nothing (I regret that now). I watched 6 pirated episodes of season 3 of Damages before my internet server blocked the site (fuck you, Bell). I ate an entire pan of brownies, left here by the potluckers of last Tuesday (fyi, the ambassador brought shwarma). I played Runescape (I don't know why, but I did).

Relaxed and refreshed, today I leapt out of bed determined to do my grading! Like a good, diligent worker. I got my coffee to the perfect grading consistency (splash of Irish Cream), I got my stack of term papers together in a nice neat pile (randomized so as to avoid pre-judging the good, the done, and the hopeless), I put on pleasant but not overly-distracting music (mfree reaction quote after I put this playlist on my iPod, said in all mfree earnestness: "Is this a lesbian station?"), and I gathered together a pleasing selection of grading pens (no red, but lots of green, orange, and purple). I was ready.

I took the first paper off the pile and for no good reason opened it up to the middle of the paper, perhaps hoping to see pictures or some very solid-looking footnotes. Instead? One big, nasty pubic hair.

Now I'm drinking Irish Cream with a splash of coffee and looking for alternate hosts for Damages. Today is not for grading.

It's so close!!!

This week is close to over AND this semester is so close to over, I just feel like smiling all the time because of it! FUCK, YEAH! Instead, I will post these two awesome covers:



Deux:

The Crap TV I Love

It's no secret that I watch a lot of crap TV. I really do. But I like to think of myself as a certain kind of crap TV connoisseur. I don't go in for the let's-follow-a-whatever-grade-celeb-around-for-no-reason genre or the Housewives of Anywhere or basically any program that is designed to pair up real people famous-people-wannabes. I research the Quotidian Banal of the Kinda Famous too much in my job to seek it out on my television. I can't watch the dancing shows anymore or American Idol either.

We've already discussed Legend of the Seeker. En par with LOTS, and for basically the same reason, would be:

I tried to find an ensemble pic with the rest of the cast but I couldn't, so maybe this promo tells you all of what you need to know about how they're selling Nikita. I should also include Covert Affairs here
because it's a similar thing and the lead, Piper Perabo, is Canadian, something the promos continually mention, as if the actress is doing her patriotic duty by pretending to be an American character for an American network.

Both series are based on movie franchise premises - Nikita is smarter and darker (that doesn't mean it's smart) and Covert Affairs only promises to be smarter and darker at some point wayyy in a future that will never happen because we know the central character will win in the end and continue to look pretty. Interestingly, both shows hinge on the relationship between two central female characters (Nikita and Alex in Nikita and Joan and Annie in Covert Affairs) and both have a supporting male hovering in the background (Michael in Nikita, Augie in Covert) to distract us from this fact.

Both shows are ridiculous and disposable but I would argue in a quality way. I prefer Nikita to Covert Affairs and there is plenty of Canadian content in both.

Okay, that was it for the high-brow portion of this blog post because now, here are the real guilty pleasures. ie/ Shows I watch that I fully concede have no value whatsoever but if they're on, I am drawn to the television screen like an undergrad to the phrase "this will be on the test." Basically anything on the Outdoor Life Network (only in Canada - on a number of levels) that isn't about a man eating himself into a coma or baiting snakes will enthrall me. This includes and is not limited to:

1) Ghosthunters. I KNOW!! I KNOW!!! But I fucking love it. AND it scares the crap out of me. I KNOW!!! I KNOW!!! I can't defend it. It is a TOTAL waste of time. I love it so much!


2) Conspiracy Theory with Jesse Ventura. He totally has me convinced about the 9/11 coverup and shit! His level of seriousness is similar to Gary Busey's level of seriousness and that's mesmerizing.

3) Mantracker

No! It's not some program about lazy twenty-somethings who want to entrap a millionaire into some kind of marriage or child support scenario. This isn't Bravo.

It's a show about this dude (cowboy pictured above) who gets to track hunt human prey. He hunts them and ropes them. Almost always the prey are two smug irreverent cityslickers who might be weekend warrior types but don't know shit about shit. And that's when Mantracker hunts them down and ropes them. It is so satisfying when he wins! He is noble and strong and silent while his prey are hipster douchebag stoners who think they can outsmart generations of cowboy-knowhow with their smartass videogame logic. They are yellow-bellied and lily-livered. It really shouldn't be an hour long. But it is.

I suddenly realize that my television-watching habits might indicate me as the next Unibomber. Judging from the commercials I see most frequently, I'm definitely supposed to be buying a truck and worrying about erectile disfunction.

[Aside: Q: Why haven't you mentioned Deadliest Catch in this post, D?!? A: Because DC isn't crap television, it is all quality.]

Biomimicry

As some of you know, I've been reading The Economist lately and I have to say, I'm really enjoying it. Yes, there are plenty of articles that easily fall into the "glib neo-lib paternalist" category and yes there's some neo-con shit-of-horses too but, honestly, that might be how I'd describe a lot of the New York Times as well (sans the regional New Yorker smugness). And at least The Economist owns their politics. Even the conservative writers present a direct argument for conservatism (ie/ "I am fundamentally selfish and don't care if others suffer so suck it Non-Me's!" as opposed to "Government intervention is a crime against God and Nature when it comes to taxes and guns but not so much when it comes to abortion, marriage, immigration and international policy" which makes no sense.)

I might also find it enjoyable because it reminds me of a 19th-century London Times with its survey of news from around the world and emphasis on commodity trades. It even puts Canadian news in an international perspective and that's refreshing.

Also, they run articles about new technology meant to tease the industrialist, not excite the techno-geek, and I can appreciate these a lot better than the NYT m.o. of listing the features of the new iPhone. I keep thinking about one article in particular from a few months ago:

Print Me a Stradivarius! The Printed World: Three-dimensional printing from digital designs will transform manufacturing and allow more people to start making things

Isn't that fucking amazing?

Another thing that is blowing my mind:

Biomimicry in manufacturing. That is, designing products to mimic how things are done in the natural world rather than trying to achieve the same results through another method. For example, instead of using non-water-soluble chemicals to impose a color on a wall for all time, the biomimcry approach would be to try to devise a way to create wall treatments that mimic how butterfly-wings and bird feathers achieve vibrant coloring - by manipulating light rather than through imposing pigment, in other words.

Isn't that fucking amazing?

I know it's so 1851 to imagine that industry and capitalism will save us all - or, conversely, that if we just hang on tight the revolution should get here any second - but even Marx didn't conceive of a world without manufacturing. At some point in my life, about 67 years ago, I was interested in biology and biochemistry and shit because the natural world seemed cool but that was quickly beaten out of me by the BSc mill at the University of Calgary. Now I remember what I liked about it!

In other news, the Azerbaijani ambassador is coming to my house for a potluck on Tuesday. I don't even know what to say about that except wtf. Wonder if I'll have enough chairs and cutlery.