(all present)

Sadly, Montoya and I are still in Ottawa - new ETD is Saturday.

Spring has absolutely exploded here. Some precious facts about the 'Twa that I did not know before moving here:

1) After Vancouver and Montreal, Ottawa is the 3rd likeliest city in Canada to have a major earthquake in the future! What the hell? I learned this from the local news so I have to take back my previous comments re: learning sweet nothing from local news. If this is a fact that was manufactured for ratings in the context of the Japan earthquakes (Jesse Ventura would be with me on this) then local news is smarter than I thought and also can go fuck a goat.

[Aside, I would like to apologize to goats out there. I deliver your bodies up too readily and it has to stop. I have nothing against you and also I love goat cheese so I'm really an asshole.]

2) "Perfect storm" and "Hellmouth" are two names I have heard to describe this precious city in springtime. Apparently land formations, weather patterns, and floral and faunal activity combine to create a pollinated, low pressure Valley of Doom in April and May that few can escape. Example: I did not have springtime allergies before moving here and now I most definitely do. If you have allergies in wherever you are and you are considering a visit to the 'Twa, DO NOT COME IN THE SPRING. If this dashes your hopes of becoming Prime Minister one day, I am sorry but you will thank me later.

[Aside, I do not want to talk about the upcoming Canadian election too much. I am poised to be excited about a surprise NDP landslide! I do not want to think about other options, however realistic. You know what's kind of fun? This website: http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/canadavotes2011/votecompass/. It helps the undecided not vote conservative identify whichever party most closely reflects their beliefs. If you're in the East (ie/ what people here refer to as the "Centre" when what they really mean to say is "Metropole"), choosing a political party to vote for is like choosing a cable package - whichever one you choose, it's going to include a bunch of shit that you don't want, and in all likelihood your favorite channels will be in two different packages. And you know the cable company will eventually try to fuck you by jacking the rates. If you're in the West, your vote is irrelevant.]

Something else I don't want to talk about? Two words: royal wedding. Monty and I were supposed to be out of the country for that. I know, it's inescapable, you have it too, blah blah blah. But I assure you, you don't know what outside-of-Britain royal wedding hoopla is until you live in the capital of a Dominion. CTV has promised me that Tracey Ullman will commentate the ceremony for them and that might make it totally awesome but at 3am? I love you Tracey but even you can't make me watch this.

In other news, I *love* audio books. I downloaded Tina Fey's Bossypants from Audible and it was fabulous. Because it is read by the author, this is the moment when the audiobook truly surpasses the written form. I have Sarah Vowell's Hawaii book all cued up for the roadtrip to Balto.

But I have not forsaken the written word completely (though I do wish some of my work books were in audio form, however much of a sleep-inducing road hazard they might be). A few years ago, my great aunts on my mother's father's side put together a family history, "A Rich Heritage: The Boulter Family History: 1700-2007." They specially cerloxed a copy for me because they knew how much I would treasure it, being a history person and all. I finally read it; it's 186 pages.

I now know a lot about my great aunts. Because I know a fuller story than they've recorded, it's actually entertaining to view the editing process. Details that didn't make it into this impressive tome? My grandmother's Jewishness, everyone's raging alcoholism, my great aunt's adopted daughter Alison (not part of the family tree, I guess), my lesbian aunt's partner and children, the alcohol-induced fire that totally burned up Uncle Ralph's face (in some pictures he looks fine, in others he's all scarred, no explanation given), how anyone died (car accidents, a higher-than-average rate of cancer among the farm-dwelling folk), how Uncle Glenn's hand was crushed (combine), my Uncle Ralph's divorce and subsequent three marriages (no mention of those families), and cousin Jeff's (continuing) time in jail. They actually lied about the timing of cousin Nicola's marriage to whatshisname because she had the twins about 3 months before anyone decided to tell anyone that she and whatshisface had married - and also they're NOT MARRIED, everyone knows this. I do give the aunts props for how they dealt with the tricky Denny-and-Judy situation. See, Denny is my mother's cousin and Judy is also my mother's cousin which means that when Denny and Judy got married it was a marriage between . . . the aunts gloss over this by having an explanation of Judy's side of the family tree stick in the first third of the book and then Denny's in the last third and NOT including a tree diagram which makes it harder for the reader to see how the pieces overlap.

What did make the official history? Well, the word "pioneer" comes up a lot and I now know a heroic and self-sacrificing version of what everyone did during the Depression and the War. I am mentioned in this book as a "saxophone enthusiast" because I did, in fact, play the saxophone in junior high and it must have helped the aunts draw out a theme of a "love of music in the Boulter family" that has apparently flourished since 1700. A note of clarification: none of the Boulter family has any music talent whatsoever and that includes myself and adopted cousin Alison.

A really creepy thing that my aunts did was with the images in the book: they've included a bunch of group photos from various times but in instances where -- I guess? -- the picture wasn't clear enough, or inclusive enough, they've cut the heads out of other photos and glued them over the original. I'm going to have to scan in an example so you can experience the full effect:


Caption: The family in 1967 (all present).

My grandmother is the blonde at far left, middle and I feel like I know exactly what she is thinking at that moment.