Oh no he didn't

Full text of an email I just received from my father:

date Tue, May 31, 2011 at 5:23 PM
subject T183

D:

IF YOU FORGOT TO MAIL THIS FORM TO ME, MAIL ASAP. I NEED TO SEND TO THE CRA FOR THIS YEARS RETURNS. IF YOU HAVE LOST THE FORM, I WILL RESEND IT TO YOU.

YFALF.

Because many of you, no doubt, are normal people who send normal emails to the loved ones in your life, you might interpret this missive as overly curt, hostile and possibly indicative of deep resentment. You might even read it as disrespectful. But that's just my dad. To appear as if he's an army general YELLING EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME IN CAPSLOCK TELEGRAM FORMAT is merely Stuball's style - both in writing and in person. This message could have just as easily appeared in my birthday card.

YFALF stands for Your Fond and Loving Father. Just as Ryan Seacrest probably thinks that "Seacrest out!" is awesomesauce, Stuball loves signing things YFALF. A decade ago I made fun of him for signing "Stu" or "SWK" to every note and card I'd received during my childhood. He promptly adjusted his signature so, ultimately, I am the one to blame for YFALF.

Sometimes my students wonder out loud, "What is so wrong with paternalism?" I will show them this email. I am 34 years old, I have a PhD (my mother just dragged him to the graduation ceremony, if I recall correctly, so my father does know that), a salary and a full time job with benefits. Some people call me professor. I have family and friends who love me and whom I love. Yeah, I don't quite have all my shit together all the time but I'm going to go ahead and say it: I am a fully functioning adult. Moreover, I have never forgotten about nor lost a tax form in my life. That includes both Canadian and US forms. He might have me confused with his other daughter. I mailed him the fucking form a week and a half ago.

Yes, I'm overreacting and need to remind myself to chant the mantra from above, "That's just my dad, that's just my dad."

Perhaps my overreaction to this is an issue of context. One of the gems my mother came out with during Grad '11 was something to this effect: "We're just so proud of you. Yes, for the degree, but mostly because you have a job. Your father was restructuring all of our finances so that if you couldn't get a job, you could come back to Calgary and live with us or maybe we'd have to support you somewhere else, we didn't know. But he's just so relieved that you can support yourself! This is a huge weight off his mind."

At the time, I was completely flabbergasted. I really didn't know what to say. Leaving aside what they may or may not think of my partnership with E, they weren't talking about the sparseness of good jobs in academe (a real point), they were talking about any means of supporting myself whatsoever. As if my whole life up until this point -- the one where I got degrees, and paid my own tuition, and worked at jobs, and did all manner of adultish things -- was proof of NOTHING. As my sister would say, sarcastically, "That's what faith looks like."
Whatever I do, in my father's mind I will only ever be a dependent. The fact that I am able to support myself is nothing short of a miracle to them. I am defying gravity.

And it's really not and I'm really not, which is what is so angering about it all. I don't want to poo-poo my good fortune at being employed, don't get me wrong, I am grateful! But also - COME ON. Explicating a rundown of all the cultural normativities alive in this situation won't help me get over it. Even doing my own taxes won't solve it -- I tried to wrestle my taxes away from my dad one year and my mother pulled me aside and told me that it makes my father feel good to do my taxes so it's really my gift to him to let him do them. Re-read email at the beginning of this post to see these feelings in action.

That's just my dad. I am Meadow to my father's Tony Soprano. Everyone else has this exact same problem, right? Just in different guises. Right? This 30-something angst is totally normal. Right?

In other news, it's really hot in Baltimore! They've cancelled school because it's so hot. Like a Snow Day only exactly the opposite only exactly the same. Exciting!

[P.S. After re-reading email above, I now get why JC's email manner (etc) at the Press never really fazed me.]