Let us begin with the three I did not share with E. The reason I didn't share? Greed. Also, she wasn't in the room when I wanted to eat them. What was I supposed to do, send out a search party?
1) Anyhow, first up is Sifer's Valomilk.
I first saw the Valomilk on an episode of Unwrapped and worked hard to find them when I was in the Midwest, but to no avail (though plenty of people told me they'd had them and the candy is made in Kansas). I bought many the Mallo Cup thinking it was a Valomilk, but it wasn't. As the company says, “When it runs down your chin, you know it’s a VALOMILK.”The Valomilk pictured above did *not* run down my chin and I was thankful for that. After searching high and low for these special bits of Americana, I can now say with conviction that Mallo Cups rock the galaxy and Valomilks are a bit too sweet and marshmallowy. Maybe the ones I had were old because they didn't explode open like the factory-ready ones did on TV but even if they had, they would have still suffered in comparison to the Mallo Cup. The Sifer company is very proud that they have stayed true to the original recipe of 1931 whereas others (they're looking at you, Mallo Cup) have effed with tradition. Sometimes, however, I think tradition needs a good effing with. I believe they call it evolution. Whatever the case, I give Valomilk a 7/10 and Mallo Cup a cool 10/10. Perhaps in a previous post, I gave the Mallo a 9 in the hopes that something could top it, but nothing has so I might as well pony up with a 1-0.
2) The second bar I tried without E's assistance was Necco's Clark:
The Clark bar is brought to us by the same company that makes the horrible SkyBar (see my previous review) but I will try not to hold that against them. The bar itself is in the peanut brittle category alonside the likes of Butterfingers and Crispy Crunches but it is way flakier than your average Butterfinger. It was completely delicious and the flakiness reminded me of a Zagnut. Back in the day, Clark originated Zagnut but in the cutthroat world of American candy production, the company sold Zagnut to Hershey. So if you've ever wished for a Zagnut sans coconut and avec chocolately coating, the Clark is for you. I liked it a lot and give it a 9/10.3) Then I tried the Charleston Chew
because it is everywhere! I guess being a member of the Tootsie Roll empire ensures superior distribution. I did not have the wherewithal to try the strawberry variety, but I tried the chocolate one and, as the packaging suggested, I tried a frozen vanilla one. My first question: why the fuck would anyone want to eat a frozen taffy bar? I almost broke my teeth/jaw on the vanilla bar and then got cold tooth pain. Then I waited for my candy to return to room temperature. The normal chocolate Charleston Chew was awesome. The vanilla, meh. Do not try it frozen. That's dumb. Chocolate: 8/10. Vanilla: 7/10. The frozen experience: 0/10. But we need to move on. E pointed out that it might be better for you readers if there was another opinion of the bar in these reviews, something to perhaps balance out my own...idiosyncrasies. Or maybe she just wanted some of the chocolate. Either way, she wanted her voice heard. Please find it below. Note: we ate all of these bars in one sitting while playing Tetris Party Deluxe (which totally rocks).
4) The Take 5 (pictured below with Monty taking a quick midday 75 between pee outings):
Another in the Hershey's universe of candy, E's reaction after taking her first bite: "Wow, this is low rent." It's such a weird bar. Basically it throws everything and the kitchen sink at you: caramel, peanuts, chocolate, peanut butter, and - wait for it! - pretzels. I think it was the pretzels that prompted the "low rent" comment but she's right, it does seem like something some tangential family member made for a summertime get-together with hotdogs and sticky children and not enough booze. E gives it a frowning 6/10 and I'll say 5 so as to show that we are different people.5) Next up was the Whatchamacallit, again from Hershey's.
It's basically the same as the Take 5 only instead of pretzels it contains rice krispies. We discussed at length why rice krispies somehow seem classier than pretzels and make for a better chocolate bar experience. We had no answers. The Take 5 bar was saltier and that didn't make me happy but E usually likes saltier things so we can draw no conclusions except to say between Take 5 and Whatchamacallit, you have to go Whatchamacallit. E enjoyed the Whatchamacallit and gives it an 8/10. I think there are way better options out there - purchase neither Take 5 nor Whatchamacallit with your chocolate bar money, in my opinion! I give it a 6/10.6) Finally, we chased the Whatchamacallit with Peanut Chews.
The Peanut Chew is a major confection from the Just Born corporation, based out of Bethlehem, PA. The company name gave me pause; I wondered if the chocolate bar wasn't really supposed to be named "Jesus Chews" or some fundy thing like that. But based on some internet research, it turns out the born stuff is just because it is owned by the Born family and the company tagline is, "A great candy isn't made...it's Just Born." The candy is peanuts covered in molasses and chocolate and is apparently okay for vegans to eat. How nice! Anyway, we weren't that crazy about it. The molassesy flavor was really molassesy. E enjoyed the bite-sized portioning and gives the experience a 7/10. I'm not bought off by small, cute things and so give it a 6.
My younger sister used to spend a half hour trying to decide which chocolate bar she'd buy from the High's around the corner from my house, the choice being enormous considering we had only been able to scrape together 45¢ from the couch ATM. Almost every time she would choose the Charleston Chew.
ReplyDeleteI, being far less discriminatory, would sometimes pick the Watchamacallit. She was never disappointed.