Top Five Pisses of All Time

It's so mind-numbingly hot outside that taking Monty out to do his business is the last thing anyone wants to do, even Montoya. So he hasn't been going out as often and instead has a giant horse-like piss every 5 hours or so on the smidge of greenery in front of the building.

He gets this look on his face while he's going, a kind of half-smile, so I imagine he must be really enjoying his horse-piss.

Which got me thinking of times when I've really enjoyed going to the bathroom and I thought I'd share some of my standout moments:

5) Calgary, Fall, 1989. Went to see my maternal grandmother in the nursing home. Nursing homes are horrific and completely calming all at the same time; I remember falling asleep there often. Anyway, in order to bribe me into going (I was so horrible, I never wanted to go there! I regret that) my mother promised me a chocolate shake from McD's. Which worked like a charm. Went to the nursing home full of shake and about 30 minutes in I had to piss like crazy. Problem: using the nursing home washroom gave me the heebie-jeebies because at the time, I guess I was under the impression that I would never get old and gross and need help using the toilet. My mother refused to accept this as an excuse for why we had to go home and told me to hold it or use Depends (plenty available). Perhaps she was thinking that if I had to go enough, I would just get over my phobia - but I didn't. I held it and held it and held it and 2 hrs later we went home and I remember racing into the upstairs bathroom like my life depended on it.

4) Japan, 1999. On a train, somewhere between Osaka and Kagoshima. In fact, it wasn't just any train, it was a motherfucking shinkansen! Had to pee. Only option:

I perched over the "bowl" and tried to maintain my balance but the train went into a tunnel or something. It wasn't easy. But I had to go so much! Escaped with only some spillage on my shoes. Secretly gave self gold star for not having major mishap.

3) Calgary, 1987. I hate the taste of water. Hate it! I think it tastes like poison. Anyway, to make soccer more fun (played for the Chief Crowfoot squad, defense), I put a bunch of fruit punch crystals into my water bottle and went to my game. My water was delicious! So I drank half the bottle before the game even started. As per usual, we were down about a hundred goals, it was into the second half. I thought I was going to die, I had to piss so bad. We didn't have any substitutions (as in no extra players), I didn't know how to exit the game gracefully. The other team came rushing at me with the ball! I challenged for it, gained possession, was trying to think of what to do with it, and was suddenly gripped with absolute terror that I was going to completely wet myself right there because I had to pee so bad! Goalie was calling for me to kick it back to him - so I did. As hard as I could. Result: own goal! Then I just ran home. Everyone thought it was because I was so upset about scoring on my own goal but really it was because I had to piss.

2) London, 2006. After a few drinks in some generic bar in the West End, I got on a bus back to Golders Green. Bus got caught in a traffic jam and I thought I was going to die from bladder explosion. Promised self that if the bus did not pass a certain intersection by the top of the hour, I could just let it go and that would be that (I was certain that people would understand, I would hardly be the first person to piss themselves on a London bus). Bus passed intersection with 30 seconds to spare and I remember running home as fast as I could waddle: most satisfying piss ever!

1) Fucking Boonyland Nowhere Rocky Mountains, November, 1991. Picture it: Hunter Ed. Camp, shit-cold, something like -20C. I think 3 students had to be taken to hospital for hypothermia. I was there with my useless "camp buddy" Tanya Fleshy (unfortunate name) making a frickin' lean-to out of evergreen branches and trying to start a fire with one match and a bunch of lichen painstakingly collected from rotten wood. Was so fucking cold, I can't even describe it. Hadn't peed in like 20 hours, bus to take us back to civilization wasn't coming for another 22 hours. I needed to pee. Rule of camp was that everyone had to use outhouses or they would fail the course, couldn't just go wherever, and outhouses were located forever away from lean-to site, through tonnes of snow and horribleness. The only thing that stopped me from going in my pants was the knowledge that the wetness would make me colder. Thought of exposing my bare ass to the elements filled me with icy dread. I determined to hold my pee for the next 25 hours. For all her uselessness re: obtaining food and building shelter, Fleshy saved my life by giving me a rousing peptalk. Can't remember all the details but a major point she made was that peeing makes a person warmer. The feeling of trudging back to my lean-to and feeling *phenomenally*, *profoundly* relieved and - yes! - warmer after having visited the outhouse is one I will never forget. Wherever you are Tanya Fleshy, I salute you!

Postscript: my sister, three years after me, also took Hunter Ed. and also was made to go on this death-defying "survival" trip. She was given a fail in the course - not for indiscriminate waste disposal, but for being found in some boy's sleeping bag with some boy in it. She was sent home only 4 hours into the camping trip. Which leads me to ask myself: why didn't I just piss in the forest?