1) My tagine.
Yes, essentially it's an expensive slow cooker. But it makes everything delicious and all you have to do is put stuff in it, fry it for a while, add water or stock or, um, leftover New Years champagne, put the lid on it and simmer for an hour or something. And voila! Comforting, soupy hot food!2) Olives (related to revelation #1)
Aren't olives fucking amazing?? Nothing else in the entire world tastes like an olive and how can you describe what an olive tastes like to someone who hasn't had one? They are perfectly unique. And they produce delicious, delicious oil! And green ones grow on the same tree as black ones! Olea europaea, I love you. (E disagrees and wishes this revelation would go away)3) Mustard greens
Who knew? Brassica juncea, I thought you would just be a lot of work with little reward, like your cousin, Kale, but I was so, so wrong. You are the spinach that I am happy to see! You are a leafy green with a pleasant kick that does not taste like bile (I'm looking at you, arugala). You are spicy and sweet and delicious and I'm sorry it's taken me so long to realize it.Now that that's out of the way, let me share my lecture writing process.
Stage 1: Denial (Sunday night, 42 hours before lecture)
"No problem. Tomorrow I'll just get up and write a lecture about the Enlightenment. Easy."
Stage 2: Confusion (Monday morning, 31 hours)
"How the hell do you teach the Enlightenment in 45 minutes? No one could ever do this."
Stage 3: Crippling Self-Doubt (Monday morning, 30.5 hours before lecture)
"WTF do I know about the Enlightenment? If I wasn't such a shitty grad student, I would have read all the books on the Enlightenment that were on my reading lists and I only pretended to read. Why am I teaching the Enlightenment? I should be subverting everything. I am bad at my job. This is going to be a disaster. No one told me it would be like this, I did not do this to lecture to 84 snotty punks about the Enlightenment, this is bullshit. I am gripped by fear. I must go to the bathroom."
Stage 4: Avoidance (Monday morning, 30 hours before lecture)
"It is imperative that I update my blog. I believe that I know about the Enlightenment but the knowledge will take time to resurface in my brain. I will be mulling over this problem in my subconscious while I play MarioKart in close proximity to a book about the Enlightenment. I still have HOURS before I need to do this. The day is young. The glory of this job is that I can choose my own schedule. I need to live my bestest life possible, perhaps I'll do some theraputic yoga."
Stage 5: Pressure (Monday afternoon, 24 hours before lecture, after checking email)
"Holy shit, I have a lot to do. There's not enough time. I should be in my office. I am bad at my job. I need to do all this other stuff now. If only I had more time to work on my lecture! The vehemience with which I do not want to write my lecture is startling."
Stage 6: Impotence (Monday evening, 20 hours before lecture)
"What is the definition of humanism? Why is wikipedia so hard to understand? How can I relate humanism to the Pugachev rebellion? Why am I talking about the Pugachev rebellion? What visual can I show for humanism? I will skip humanism and go on to individualism. No one will know. Except maybe the TAs. Fuck the TAs. This is karma."
Stage 7: Panic (Tuesday morning, 5 hours until class)
Fucking motherfucking fuck bullshit fuck cock balls
Stage 7: Embracing the Problem (4 hours until class)
"I am the professor. I can say whatever I want. I am in control. I am in my tree with the Dixie Chicks. This is just a nice talk about the Enlightenment. They are only children. My TAs aren't thinking about me. I can say whatever I want. Be the ball. I am in control. I can say whatever I want."
Stage 8: Mad, Blind Lecture-Writing (1-4 hours before class)
[thoughts irretrivable]
Stage 9: Delirium (giving lecture)
[memories can only be accessed by deep hypnosis]
Resolution: I need to implement a new process!! One with fewer steps and also better steps.
