Cousin Jeff Captured!

Friends, I'm happy to report that my cousin Jeff is now safely behind bars. All of southern Alberta can breathe a sigh of relief.

The bitter end to his getaway-hangaround-getaway escapade was not without drama. After mooching/extorting $50,000 over the course of a month from my great aunt and leading the police on drug-fueled chases through shithole places like Stettler and Red Deer (a.k.a Dead Rear), my extended family hatched a plan to have him captured the likes of which only a TV crime drama could approximate. Cousins Glenn and Allison (Allison of adopted-so-not-in-the-family-history fame) knew that my great aunt was funneling money to the criminal so they decided to set a trap. They "found" $5,000, gave it to my aunt as a gift, let it be known in town that she had come into some money (not a hard thing to do in Three Hills, AB, population: 3000) and waited for the perp to establish contact. Which he did almost immediately. They had the RCMP set up a stakeout on my aunt's place and just waited for the idiot (someone who apparently has some legally significant percentage of my DNA) to show up. In the meantime, my aunt was in hospital having her mental faculties assessed. She was declared incompetent and has now lost her power of attorney. Anyhoo, Jeff showed up at my aunt's house and a *gun fight* ensued. No one was injured and he was taken into custody but I don't think things will go well for him in prison. He did take a shot at an RCMP officer and rumour is he was involved with a biker gang in Red Deer so this all adds up to a long or violent incarceration. I don't imagine that long AND violent is a possibility. Everyone is upset. If there is one thing I've learned about that side of the family, it's that their moral compass is controlled by the purse strings - and not the Anglican church as they're fond of declaring.

The Boulter wing of the family has always creeped me out. They still give me the vibe that they are just being nice to me because other people are around but if I find myself alone with one of them they will turn on me like no one's business. They seem like the kind of people who would burn others to the stake or Holocaust you or something like that. My mother likes them, probably because she grew up with them and recognizes them as her family, but she has never left me alone with any of them, not once. I always think of them as my mother's family. The wacky Jews who I'm related to (who also give me the heebiejeebies), I think of as my grandmother's family and I imagine my mother does too. This is dumb because all of them, heebiejeebies included, are all just My Family.